I wish that being around impressive people left me feeling more inspired than intimidated. Right now it's the other way around.

When I'm in my element - when I know the parameters of a situation - I feel like I have the confidence and energy to be as fierce as I need to be. But I'm not a natural leader; when I don't know my way around a situation, I sit back (hide) and wait and watch. In my current mental and emotional state, this results in letting inertia take over and me not moving beyond this point. And then I feel bad. But if someone comes along who knows (enough of) what they're doing, and acts, I feel inspired ... and then intimidated because I know so little, and have done so little. And then I feel bad. When really I want to be ... if not fighting alongside them, at least supporting them actively.

Sorry for the crypticness. I don't think the details are important here, so much as the general trend.

I'm semi-joking about the "spring curse" part, but it's interesting to note that one year ago (give or take a few weeks) was when the water heater in the apartment two floors above us burst and rained on our unit ... >_>

Our fridge is borked. It didn't stop working completely (thankfully), but it somehow stopped cooling enough, and our freezer got to fridge-temperature and our fridge got to nearly-room-temperature. We're not sure when the problem started - I finally noticed the bizarre temperatures last night as we were about to go to bed, but since it wasn't a sudden shutdown it could have started much earlier. In fact, I noticed something on Friday - a package of bacon I put in the freezer Thursday night was not frozen as solid as I expected, but since I don't have experience freezing bacon I thought it might have something to do with the fat content, or the fact that it was a solid block of meat. I wish I'd recognized that as a red flag at the time, but, well, hindsight and all.

Anyway, the good thing is that the mystery problem resulted in unequal warming of the freezer, so while the stuff on the top definitely went above freezing, the stuff on the bottom remained cold enough to stay frozen. Since I keep most of my meat in the bottom drawer, and since the amount of raw meat I have in my freezer probably breaks triple digits in monetary value ... yeah, I'm glad. O_o Some other stuff that was stored in the bottom and/or back of the shelves also remained solid, but a lot of stuff went fridge-cool, so now I'm trying to determine what is safe enough to keep or needs to be tossed. Right now all of it has been moved to a fridge in a vacant unit in the complex (yay for a responsive manager who answers her phone at 11pm and gives you the key to the empty apartment!).

So, to keep myself from stewing in irritation and frustration, here are some happy things:

1. ratzeo is very good in a mini-crisis (and probably a major crisis as well). While I was gnashing my teeth at the thought of losing hundreds of dollars' worth of food, he called our manager (which resulted in us getting access to the empty apartment) and also was the one to figure out that the bottom of our freezer was still frozen (which resulted in me being less upset). This is pretty much how we operated when Drannor developed FLUTD, and I know the pattern - once I've gathered my wits I will pursue the solution with laser focus, but before that I have to overcome my desire to hide my head in the sand, so having ratzeo there to act as my rock keeps me going until I reach that point.

2. I am frustrated that this is the third time I've dealt with a broken fridge (the first two were at my old house, not this apartment), and frustrated that this comes on the heels of another unexpected expense, Drannor's emergency vet trip. BUT, I know that this is by far not the worst household disaster that could happen, and this is definitely a "you better cut back on eating out or buying books for a little bit" kind of setback, not a "this means I can't make rent" kind of setback.

3. Yesterday was actually a good day, and the whole weekend a good weekend. I got to play ratzeo's game, went to pick up my bridesmaid dress with my sister and her fiance, and met her fiance's parents' shiba inu.

4. This morning I saw Drannor take a drink from the "waterfall" part of the cat fountain. I've seen him do it a couple of times now (as opposed to just drinking from the bowl), so I hope this means that the moving water appeals to him, and catches his attention to make him drink more often. (Kershach, on the other hand, has only now progressed to drinking from the bowl. Poor water-fearing scaredy-cat.)

5. In other news about Drannor, we're done giving him meds. Anyone who's had to medicate an animal (or probably a small child) knows that that is something to celebrate!

Me, I'm sitting at home in my comfy sweats. I decided not to go to a party tonight, because I have three D&D games scheduled this weekend and I wanted to stay home and make sure all my characters got levelled. My priorities are either very wrong or very right.

Anyway, I haven't posted to my journal in a long time, but since I've used it to help me record life happenings in the past, I figured I should poke it back to life before the year officially ends. So here's a brief, sometimes shallow overview of things I remember that were significant to me in 2009:

( 2009 )

2009 ... wasn't the kindest year to me, in a few ways, but I'm glad I had it. I've had a lot of blessings throughout, and I know that the difficulties I've faced are manageable and not permanent. I don't just accept the next year, but rather am determined to make it worthwhile.

So here's to 2010. May it treat you well, and give you reason to feel joy and wonder at being alive.

I've heard that phrase a lot in relation to conversations about oppression and privilege - a reminder to members of privileged groups not to take criticisms of privilege as directed at them individually, or as criticisms of their personal character. I know it, and of course I think it's important. But, uh, it's not always easy to remember it myself.

So, I wanted to rewrite that sex question meme, right? And I did, with lots of help from others. But of course, that doesn't mean that it's perfect, and today I saw some comments criticizing a couple of questions in the new meme.

( In which I attempt to do some learning, and maybe teaching, from my mistakes )

I don't think I'm going to issue yet another version of the meme, because I can see myself editing it into eternity. I'll probably include a note with a link to this post, acknowledging that there are still problematic questions, that the meme can be answered partially or not at all according to people's preference, and that other, better ones can and should be made.

I should say, because I didn't in my last post, that ratzeo and I are really grateful about how lucky we were. I mean, if you're going to have catastrophic leaking that's so bad that it requires the loss of your floor and ceiling, this is the way to have it. We didn't lose any furniture to water damage, and I don't think any of our books got damaged.

I think the lack of irreversible damage is part of why we're managing to be pretty calm about all of this. I mean, for ratzeo to be un-stressed is impressive, but for me it's downright unheard of. There was a point at which this kind of situation would've prompted me to rail at the heavens or whine a lot or cry or something. I feel like I've made progress, and I'm glad for it - this, plus our relative luck, means that I'm not wasting my time stressing and can just concentrate on taking care of things as they can be taken care of.

For now, we've been given access to a vacant unit in another part of the apartment complex. This is helpful, so we don't have to fall asleep to the nighttime serenade of VVVRRRRRRR from the various fans and dehumidifying machines filling our apartment. :Db

Our apartment is still habitable, in the strict sense of the word - it's just that we've got about half a dozen of those machines going and filling up the place, and to make room for them, most of our furniture has been shoved around and all the doors in our apartment have been removed. Also, in the affected area, the carpet was taken up and the padding removed, and the first layer of the ceiling was torn off. Since the living room wasn't affected, the water damage specialists put in a giant plastic sheet, cutting it off from the rest of the apartment, which provides a visual (if not audio) barrier. So, as you can imagine, it's not a terribly pleasant place to be right now.

( And poor Kershach. T_T )

So we're managing decently right now. Thanks to everyone who gave us well-wishes and offers of help. Here's hoping that the repairs go smoothly and we can go back to living in our home soon ...

Stupid body. Stupid body with recurring sickness. Stupid body that won't give me enough energy to get all my goals done. Stupid body that's too tired to concentrate at work. Stupid body that won't even give my doctor answers through blood tests.

*sigh*

/whine

On the positive side, my immersion blender arrived today in the mail, so I can puree my homemade lentil soup (my "sick" food and general staple in my diet) like it's supposed to be. And later I'm going to experiment with other blend-y things, like cream of tomato soup. And once it gets warmer, I can play around with cold things like milkshakes and smoothies.

In addition, along with the blender, my Amazon order included the Mamma Mia! movie soundtrack. Which makes me absurdly happy, because I'm a dork. :P

Attempting to recover at home. It helps a lot that both of my boys are here (ratzeo doesn't need to be on campus today, and Kershach is ... well, doing his kitty thing and chilling out near me).

I've been thinking a lot about my New Year's goals - namely, how I haven't been fulfilling them. I've done some things, like writing bits of fic, but I've fallen behind on my reading goal and I haven't even touched my sketchbook. I'm still falling into the pattern of: go to work, go to gym (on certain days), come home, feel too tired to do anything productive until it's time to go to sleep. And then do it all over again.

There have been some improvements: primarily, I'm not stressing as much about work. I have let myself worry - because I can't not worry about things, and not letting myself do so would just stress me out more - but I've been improving my ability to do so proportionally. How long do I think about the stress? How large do I let it loom in my thought process? How much fear do I feel about the possibility of failure? How likely is that failure, really? And what alternatives are there even if the failure occurs? How much do I express my stress to others, or let it affect my interactions with others? etc. There are a lot of areas I can exert control over, and I am in the (neverending) process of bringing those areas under my control.

Of course, I have to be honest and acknowledge that one of the reasons I am doing well is that the high-stress period of my job is over. It's definitely easier to manage stress when I can say to myself, "That was the hardest part, and I already did it." This isn't ideal - I should be able to manage my worries even without having the payoff of "I did it and didn't die" giving me a boost. I need to be able to manage my stress even when I still have the potential failure/catastrophe/whatever still looming over my head.

Anyway. Besides that area, I do need to work on how to make better use of my time. I don't have a lot of hours between getting home in the evening and my bedtime, but there are enough to get things done, especially if I work little-by-little on a daily basis.

I don't want to let days, months, 2009 pass by in a blur. I want to engage in productive and fulfilling activities, even if I don't manage to do so every single day. I'm not sure, at this point, how to do it. (Of course, my brain is fuzzy with teh sick, so that might have something to do with it.)

So my goal for the week is a meta-goal: figure out how to make goals so that I can spend my time in the ways I really want to. I'm going to think about what kinds of goals to make, and how often, and how to reinforce them. That should give me a good start, at least.

Here is how I've spent the morning of my birthday so far:

- Sleeping in!

- ratzeo woke me up long enough to tell me that he and his parents agreed that he should not try to travel, and he will be staying here for Christmas. I'm sad that neither of us gets to be with our parents for the holiday, but I'm happy that we'll be together.

- My parents called (waking me up, but I don't care) to wish me a happy birthday.

- A few minutes into the phone call, I heard "Maow maow maow," as Kershach made his calling meow (when he walks around asking 'where are you guys?') and found me in bed. This is unusual, because Kershach typically follows anyone who's awake, so since ratzeo was already up, Kershach should have stuck with him and hung out in the living area. But he hopped up onto the bed and indulged in a belated birthday-morning cuddle. So while I was talking to my parents (and eventually kyonkun, who also called with birthday wishes), I was curled up with a warm, soft, snuggly, fluffy ball of purr. ♥

- The university suspended operations today (which NEVER happens), so I get to stay home guilt-free! (Also pay-free, unfortunately, but that's not unreasonable.) That means that I will be able to take my personal holiday tomorrow, for a long weekend, short work-week, and hopefully plenty of time for the snow to melt and the city transportation to right itself.

And now ... now I think I shall continue what I started last night, and keep learning to play Guitar Hero. 8D

A couple of people know that I've been having a very difficult time with work lately. I think ratzeo is the only person who knows all the details about all of the issues (by virtue of living with me and getting to hear me vent and/or decompress every time something happens - lucky him). In brief, a combination of the rigors of my new position, crises within my job as well as throughout the university, and my continued bumpy transition from student-hood to "adult" life, have left me struggling.

It's not a big deal, any moreso than what other people experience in any of those circumstances. But you know what they say about your own problems being bigger because they're your own, etc. etc. Anyway, suffice it to say, I've been dealing with some stress, frustration, and discouragement, as well as trying to reconcile the things that have been causing them.

Today I found out that a colleague has been diagnosed with cancer. I've known her for years, but since we work in different departments I don't know her very closely; still, I know her well enough to know how much of a loss it would be if she doesn't recover.

And sadly, it seems like I needed something this much bigger than me to give me some perspective. I thought I was dealing with my difficulties well enough, but in light of this news I can feel how much I've been granting them undue magnitude. I can treat my problems seriously and give them due consideration without treating them as all-consuming, as you should treat things like - well, not quite life-threatening illness, I don't think I've been that bad - but things that are bigger than what I'm dealing with.

I've been giving my job the central position in my life, and thus devoting the bulk of my mental energy to it, and also letting the stress from it determine the bulk of my mood. And I've known this, and been working on it, but in light of today's news I realize in no uncertain terms that I should change it now.

Something to think about. I don't know quite how to meet this new goal yet. I do know that if I can let my work problems leak over into the rest of my life (which has a real effect, even if it's "just" mental), I can do the reverse with the happy parts of my life. Let them leak everywhere.

I want to say more, but my lunch break is over and I should get back to that work I just mentioned (with a more positive mindset).

I should have known this would happen. I sort of panicked last night about the cat.

( Details below, possibly boring and/or TMI for anyone other than myself )

( And today )

( General status update notes )