sigelphoenix

Welcome to 2009! Here's hoping that, however well or poorly 2008 treated you, your 2009 will be better.

I'm going to use the New Year as a time to formalize the goals I've been developing over the past few months (and post them here in order to make myself accountable), so here we go:

Work

This is the big one, for precisely the reason that it shouldn't be. As I've said before, the stresses that I feel during work (deadline pressure, frustration, discouragement) keep leaking over into the rest of my life. More than once, I've come home from a day of work and just felt too tired or down to really do anything besides eat dinner and go to sleep (and rant about work to ratzeo :P). Of course, that makes me less prepared to face the next day of work, which means I'm likely to repeat the cycle.

Even when the effect isn't that immediate, it's pervasive. When pressures from work are weighing on me, I don't have the energy or mental strength to devote to the things I want to do, even on the weekends. So I'll only be up to doing "passive" things, like reading or watching stuff, rather than writing or drawing.

So ... I don't know specifically what my goal is here, but it's big and it's long-term. I want to keep my work stress at work, and not grant it more importance than it deserves. I want to reduce my work stress, period, and not let all of the setbacks (and there have been many this year) discourage me too long, or too deeply. I want to build up my confidence that yes, I will be able to handle this transition period, and yes, I will do a lot better next year.

Health

I'm pretty happy with my current health habits, which involve regular trips to the gym and sensible eating (as in, no low-fat/low-carb/special vitamin diets, but plenty of fruits and veggies and limited eating out). I did have a hiccup in gym attendance recently, due to the holidays and work stress (see above re: not letting work get to me). I also found myself eating more pre-packaged or frozen food then, because I didn't have the energy to cook meals, so there you go.

I think I'm back on track now, so in the coming year I want to stay there. Another possible goal is to try out Wii Fit to see if I can use it to supplement gym visits - or even replace them, and save myself fifty bucks a month.

Entertainment

I want to change my reading habits. I'm reading comic books and novels right now - and I don't want to stop that, but I do want to add to it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with reading "just" comics and SFF books, but for me, I feel most fulfilled when I'm also supplementing them with non-fiction, like anti-oppression books. I've let myself be intimidated away from reading theory, because my brain is out of shape from being out of school. I need to get back into practice, and I have plenty of unread books on my shelves that can help me do that.

My reading trends are indicative of my entertainment habits in general. As I said before, a lot of my entertainment has been passive. Just as my reading material has been engaging, but missing the kind of content that I really like to grapple with - the same is true of the shows I've watched or video games I've played. I'm not a person who gets super involved with fandom and producing fanworks for these things (I used to be in high school and early college, but not anymore), so I don't get as much out of them as other people, who really get engaged and apply their creativity to them.

I know this, and I know this means that I don't get what I'm looking for out of my current forms of entertainment. Like I said, that doesn't mean I want to quit what I'm reading/watching/playing, but I do need to supplement these things to get what I'm missing.

This is one goal that I've really let slip, so we'll start with this concrete assignment: pick one of my unread theory books and read one chapter/section of a book per week. If I'm just not feeling a particular book, I will allow myself to switch to a new one, but only after I've read that entire first chapter/section. I'm hoping that once I get going, I'll build momentum and read more - but for now, I'm starting small.

Creativity

The one exception to my "passive" entertainment has been tabletop gaming. I've really gotten sucked in to my D&D campaigns over the past year or so, getting inspired to write fic, RP over email or in person, and draw fanart.

I'm happy with this. I don't (at the moment) feel like I'm missing something because I don't write or draw original characters, or even published fandoms. I just want something that consistently and enjoyably inspires me, and for now that's game.

That being said, I'm not as active as I used to be. I've been hampered by a few different factors, from work stress (see, it keeps coming up) to lack of confidence (related to work stress) to sheer laziness. I've been RPing mostly, and that's easier to do because there's another person providing input and impetus. I love RPs, but I also want to write on my own.

Again, I want to start with manageable goals. I tend to get intimidated at writing a "whole story," so I'll start with only allowing myself to write individual scenes. If I just think of them as scenes, I won't feel the pressure to make a perfect, complete story. I'm sure I'll itch at the confines and want to write more soon - that's the point.

I also want to draw - although that's not likely going to be tied to game, because my character in ratzeo's campaign is a giant robot and therefore beyond my means. XD;; And frankly, my relationship with drawing has always been inconsistent - a few months where I really enjoy it and work a lot, followed by several months without interest. I want to find out whether I'm simply uninterested right now, or letting other things prevent me from drawing. So I'll try at least one sketch by the end of January to see how I feel about it.

Finances

My new job means that I have more money than I used to, and I've been figuring out how best to use it. I like to think that I'm doing all right - spending money on things I want without letting guilt stop me, but also keeping within reasonable limits. I do have a tendency to slip into the former, so I want to make sure I maintain a reasonable amount of caution with my money. When I buy things for myself, I shouldn't freak out that I'm wasting my money, but rather look at my wallet/credit card bill/bank account and see how much I actually have. As long as I still have enough to pay for the essentials and build some savings, and as long as I'm going to use and enjoy what I buy, there's no reason not to get things that I want.

Speaking of things I want, my first big purchase of the new year is going to be an Xbox 360. Possibly my easiest resolution. XD But knowing that I'm going to be spending this money means that I have an idea of what expenditures to expect, and plan accordingly.

I also set a goal many months ago to start making regular donations to organizations I want to support. I've since enrolled in automatic payroll deduction at work for donations to a few organizations, which makes things infinitely easier. All I have to do is continue to get paid. ;)

Capital-S Serious stuff

I'd like to think that my goals are about what I want, not what other people think I should want (or what I think other people think I should want, to get even more confusing). I don't believe that I have to go to grad school, or have to work my way into prestigious promotions in the office. I don't have to write for publication or become involved in fandom for all the shows or books that I like - these things work for other people, and that's great, but they're not what will make me happy, so it'd be dumb of me to run myself ragged trying to accomplish them.

That being said, I'm still figuring out what I actually do want. This has been an ongoing task since I graduated from college a year and a half ago, and I don't expect to come up with a magic answer. But reducing my job to a manageable part of my life is an important step. So is challenging myself mentally through academic and creative work. I hope to continue the process of figuring out (since it isn't a one-shot deal) how I want to spend my time and energy in ways that will leave me feeling the most fulfilled.

Of course, I shouldn't discount how close I am to having precisely the life I want. After all, I live in a cozy, secure, and affordable apartment in a city I love. I share my home with ratzeo, who is my partner in all ways. I live within walking distance from kyonkun, and easy bus-commute distance from many of my friends. I've achieved gainful employment - even if it still needs to be improved, and possibly changed - that keeps me financially secure. And yes, I have my kitty. ♥

Here's to a good year.