posted by ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sigelphoenix at 08:35pm on 07/04/2009 under anti-oppression and the evil *isms, personal stuff, sex and body issues
sigelphoenix at 08:35pm on 07/04/2009 under anti-oppression and the evil *isms, personal stuff, sex and body issuesI've heard that phrase a lot in relation to conversations about oppression and privilege - a reminder to members of privileged groups not to take criticisms of privilege as directed at them individually, or as criticisms of their personal character. I know it, and of course I think it's important. But, uh, it's not always easy to remember it myself.
So, I wanted to rewrite that sex question meme, right? And I did, with lots of help from others. But of course, that doesn't mean that it's perfect, and today I saw some comments criticizing a couple of questions in the new meme.
I'm not going to say who said what, because that's not the point of this; but I do think it's helpful to mention the criticisms themselves. #14 and #15, "What is your favorite body part to lavish attention on, on a partner? Why?" and "What is your favorite body part of your own to have attention lavished upon? Why?" assume something about the level of comfort the respondent has with their physical body, and could be triggering if you've been objectified before. (It clicked into place when I thought, what if I'd used the phrase "the opposite sex" in #5? Most people wouldn't bat an eyelash, but what about those who don't fit into the "opposites" of male and female?) #30, "Share your favorite embarrassing sex story about yourself," is cute fun for those who have lighthearted stories that they don't mind sharing, but I live in sex-shaming society and I can't assume that everyone fits that description.
I'll 'fess up and say that my first impulse upon seeing these comments was to be upset, because I was having a rather shit-tastic day at work, wherein I was the messenger who got shot. I was already struggling to retain my equilibrium, and so my initial reaction was not particularly mature. I just wanted to give up and have a cry, because I was thinking, "I didn't make this policy at work - don't yell at me!" and "I was trying to make something better out of this meme - it hurts my feelings when you rip it apart!"
But, see. See that? That is a classic move used to stifle progressive voices - used by people who are blind to their own privilege, or too afraid to challenge it, and don't want to hear those voices. By pushing my hurt to center stage, I suddenly made the whole issue about my own feelings, rather than the content of the meme and the results of it on other people. With this, the question was no longer, "Is the content in this meme damaging?" but "Whose feelings are more hurt?"
Yes, I was upset. I felt bad because I wanted to do this good thing, and then here I was seeing how I failed (only partially - the criticisms never trashed me/the meme or said that I failed utterly, however much I might have felt that). But, you know, intention only covers part of your responsibility. If I accidentally step on someone's foot, the fact that I didn't intend to do it doesn't negate the pain they feel. It only means that, yes, I'm not a jerk who meant to step on their foot, but I still did it. I still need to apologize and do what I can to make up for it, like, say, helping them find a place to sit down if they're in too much pain to stand. Moreover, the person with the squashed foot may shout in pain, and that might make me feel bad, but it's certainly not their fault that I'm upset. I'm upset because of their pain, which is less important than the one who is in pain.
Too many times in feminist or anti-racist discussions I've heard the intention or hurt feelings arguments used. Men who say, "I'm trying to help you, why are you being so mean to me?" because they're being criticized for the sexist mistakes in their attempts to help. White people who say, "I'm so hurt that you called me racist," without acknowledging that, hey, the targets of the racism hurt a hell of a lot more than you do. In these cases, sure, they're probably good people who mean well, and may even be doing well. But good deeds of the past don't cancel out sins of the present; you don't earn "points" in anti-oppression so that you can get a free pass out of future mistakes.
I understand the impulse. The defensiveness, the embarrassment, the need to believe that "I couldn't have done something that bad, because I'm a good person." But it's not about you. It wasn't about me, my intent, or my feelings. It was about the result of my actions upon someone else.
I didn't commit a huge sin. I didn't write blatantly transphobic or homophobic questions like, "If you're a woman, what do you like best about sex with men?" or something. Other people took the meme without being bothered by those questions. But "it wasn't that bad" and "you're the only one who cares" are not legitimate defenses. The commenters didn't say that it was "that bad" or that "everyone is bothered." There is not some objective quorum that needs to be met before a criticism is "legitimate."
I/the meme wasn't treated like a villain. I/the meme was the target of some criticism. And I needed to face up to it, apologize, and learn from it.
One related issue, which sometimes comes up in these situations, is the fact that I felt hurt the criticism wasn't given to me directly. Instead, I found it in the comments to one of the responses. Again, I wanted to rail against the unfairness of it - but then, again, I thought about it. I don't have a right to have any and all critiques of me brought to my face*. If someone is already hurt by what I did, why should they also have to deal with the awkwardness of bringing it up with me? I know that when I'm faced with the prospect of criticizing someone, I can feel nervous or intimidated. That's true of a lot of people. It's not the damaged party's obligation to take on another burden so they can make the offender feel better. Nope, the damaged party's first priority should be the damage itself, and the conversation I saw was dealing with that. It wasn't yet (if ever) time for me to demand the attention.
(*Granted, if something is expected of the subject of the criticism, then yes, it ought to be brought to them. I can't expect someone to respond to something I haven't given them. If I thought that the people who were discussing the critiques were personally mad at me and wanted an apology, or were tapping their toes waiting for me to change the meme, then I would've expected that they talked to me. But that wasn't the case; the conversation was, "hey, this is problematic," not, "man,![[insanejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/ij-userinfo.gif)
sigelphoenix is such a jerk for not fixing this already.")
I don't think I'm going to issue yet another version of the meme, because I can see myself editing it into eternity. I'll probably include a note with a link to this post, acknowledging that there are still problematic questions, that the meme can be answered partially or not at all according to people's preference, and that other, better ones can and should be made.
So, I wanted to rewrite that sex question meme, right? And I did, with lots of help from others. But of course, that doesn't mean that it's perfect, and today I saw some comments criticizing a couple of questions in the new meme.
I'm not going to say who said what, because that's not the point of this; but I do think it's helpful to mention the criticisms themselves. #14 and #15, "What is your favorite body part to lavish attention on, on a partner? Why?" and "What is your favorite body part of your own to have attention lavished upon? Why?" assume something about the level of comfort the respondent has with their physical body, and could be triggering if you've been objectified before. (It clicked into place when I thought, what if I'd used the phrase "the opposite sex" in #5? Most people wouldn't bat an eyelash, but what about those who don't fit into the "opposites" of male and female?) #30, "Share your favorite embarrassing sex story about yourself," is cute fun for those who have lighthearted stories that they don't mind sharing, but I live in sex-shaming society and I can't assume that everyone fits that description.
I'll 'fess up and say that my first impulse upon seeing these comments was to be upset, because I was having a rather shit-tastic day at work, wherein I was the messenger who got shot. I was already struggling to retain my equilibrium, and so my initial reaction was not particularly mature. I just wanted to give up and have a cry, because I was thinking, "I didn't make this policy at work - don't yell at me!" and "I was trying to make something better out of this meme - it hurts my feelings when you rip it apart!"
But, see. See that? That is a classic move used to stifle progressive voices - used by people who are blind to their own privilege, or too afraid to challenge it, and don't want to hear those voices. By pushing my hurt to center stage, I suddenly made the whole issue about my own feelings, rather than the content of the meme and the results of it on other people. With this, the question was no longer, "Is the content in this meme damaging?" but "Whose feelings are more hurt?"
Yes, I was upset. I felt bad because I wanted to do this good thing, and then here I was seeing how I failed (only partially - the criticisms never trashed me/the meme or said that I failed utterly, however much I might have felt that). But, you know, intention only covers part of your responsibility. If I accidentally step on someone's foot, the fact that I didn't intend to do it doesn't negate the pain they feel. It only means that, yes, I'm not a jerk who meant to step on their foot, but I still did it. I still need to apologize and do what I can to make up for it, like, say, helping them find a place to sit down if they're in too much pain to stand. Moreover, the person with the squashed foot may shout in pain, and that might make me feel bad, but it's certainly not their fault that I'm upset. I'm upset because of their pain, which is less important than the one who is in pain.
Too many times in feminist or anti-racist discussions I've heard the intention or hurt feelings arguments used. Men who say, "I'm trying to help you, why are you being so mean to me?" because they're being criticized for the sexist mistakes in their attempts to help. White people who say, "I'm so hurt that you called me racist," without acknowledging that, hey, the targets of the racism hurt a hell of a lot more than you do. In these cases, sure, they're probably good people who mean well, and may even be doing well. But good deeds of the past don't cancel out sins of the present; you don't earn "points" in anti-oppression so that you can get a free pass out of future mistakes.
I understand the impulse. The defensiveness, the embarrassment, the need to believe that "I couldn't have done something that bad, because I'm a good person." But it's not about you. It wasn't about me, my intent, or my feelings. It was about the result of my actions upon someone else.
I didn't commit a huge sin. I didn't write blatantly transphobic or homophobic questions like, "If you're a woman, what do you like best about sex with men?" or something. Other people took the meme without being bothered by those questions. But "it wasn't that bad" and "you're the only one who cares" are not legitimate defenses. The commenters didn't say that it was "that bad" or that "everyone is bothered." There is not some objective quorum that needs to be met before a criticism is "legitimate."
I/the meme wasn't treated like a villain. I/the meme was the target of some criticism. And I needed to face up to it, apologize, and learn from it.
One related issue, which sometimes comes up in these situations, is the fact that I felt hurt the criticism wasn't given to me directly. Instead, I found it in the comments to one of the responses. Again, I wanted to rail against the unfairness of it - but then, again, I thought about it. I don't have a right to have any and all critiques of me brought to my face*. If someone is already hurt by what I did, why should they also have to deal with the awkwardness of bringing it up with me? I know that when I'm faced with the prospect of criticizing someone, I can feel nervous or intimidated. That's true of a lot of people. It's not the damaged party's obligation to take on another burden so they can make the offender feel better. Nope, the damaged party's first priority should be the damage itself, and the conversation I saw was dealing with that. It wasn't yet (if ever) time for me to demand the attention.
(*Granted, if something is expected of the subject of the criticism, then yes, it ought to be brought to them. I can't expect someone to respond to something I haven't given them. If I thought that the people who were discussing the critiques were personally mad at me and wanted an apology, or were tapping their toes waiting for me to change the meme, then I would've expected that they talked to me. But that wasn't the case; the conversation was, "hey, this is problematic," not, "man,
sigelphoenix is such a jerk for not fixing this already.")I don't think I'm going to issue yet another version of the meme, because I can see myself editing it into eternity. I'll probably include a note with a link to this post, acknowledging that there are still problematic questions, that the meme can be answered partially or not at all according to people's preference, and that other, better ones can and should be made.