sigelphoenix

Title: Balance on the Earth
Characters: Nexus, Fourth, Drannor, Jakob Col, Urbanus, Underfoot, all the nexi
Word Count: ~3000
Summary: Nexus seeks to improve zir relationship with the nexi.
Notes: This takes place during the five-day planning period in adventure 58. The title is from "Green (Welcome to the World)," from Nexus' FST.

N.B. I am trying something I ought to have done a long time ago, and that is using progressive gender-neutral pronouns for Nexus.

I didn't do this before for a host of reasons, such as not knowing these pronouns well myself, not thinking I 'should' ask other people to use them, and most of all, thinking that Nexus/this game existed outside of real-world power structures. To make a very long story very short, that is not true; there is no such thing as a dehistoricized fantasy world when the fantasy world itself is created by people who are implicated in real-world power structures. I thought I was addressing anti-oppression by a) avoiding the default of making robots and/or fighters male, b) avoiding the assumption that a female player must play a female character. But in thinking that I only had to address two sides in a gender binary, I thought only of the sexism I personally face and not the transphobia that is equally heinous. Calling a person 'it' - even when the person is a character who, within the fantasy world, claims the power to create zir own meaning for that word - has harmful real-world implications. Choosing to ignore these implications meant prioritizing my recreational comfort over anti-oppression, and that is unequivocally wrong.

I could go on, both about what I really intended and how bad I feel ... but the point is not to get wanky over myself, but rather address and fix the actual problem. I am sorry I made this mistake at all, and I'm sorry the correction comes late.

For what it's worth, here are the pronouns I have chosen to use:
Zie hits Garagos.
Garagos hits zir.
Zir sword is Unfettered.
That sword is zirs.
Nexus tries not to get zirself killed.

Standing atop the temple in Ironbloom, watching the whole nexi population of the city chanting together to express their unity for the war, Nexus feels a mix of emotions roiling in zir mind. Zie is proud and heartened to have the support of zir fellow nexi, but zie's also keenly aware of standing on top of the mansion they built for zir as part of the temple. The way the nexi look at zir make zir wonder whom they are going to war for - themselves, Tempus, or Nexus.

Beside zir, Fourth is silent. Nexus looks over and sees the disapproval in his crystalline face. "You could give them more," he says quietly. "I've heard you speak far more passionately, on this very spot."

"No, I can't - I don't need to convince them more," zie says.

"The only time you're quiet and controlled is when you talk to them," Fourth replies, and if he not exactly disapproving of being quiet and controlled, it's clear what his opinion is of Nexus' application of those behavior traits.

The accusation would drive Nexus to correct the problem - when is a better time to be zirself, than with zir fellow nexi? - but the chants of "With me!" continue below and zie can't bring zirself to. "Thank you!" zie calls down to the crowd instead, and then starts to climb down from the roof.

*

That night after awakening from zir trance, Nexus rolls Fourth's words around in zir mind. His comment struck zir forcefully, even though zie chose not to say anything more to the nexi - and zie still feels that's the right call. Still, zir strong and immediate reaction to what Fourth said makes zir think that it's at least somewhat true.

"Why do I hold back from the other nexi?" Nexus asks out loud, partly to zirself and partly to Drannor; zir blade guide usually has a comment or two to add to Nexus' conversations with zirself, though he will usually wait and give the nexi time to think uninterrupted for awhile before he interjects.

"They listen to me so much, I don't need to try to persuade them. I don't want to persuade them that much, in case they just listen to me because I'm ... me." Nexus pauses. "Though I don't know if there is a way to keep them from listening to me just because I'm me."

In zir head, Drannor comments, "I understand what you're saying, Nexus, but I suspect Fourth would find your concerns less relevant than the importance of your message."

"Fourth is one of the only nexi who disagrees with me, isn't he?"

"He's certainly one of the ones who has disagreed most often. I think he, Graven, and Nainar's unusual births gave them a different perspective, so they seem to be less compelled by your identity." Drannor's mouth quirks in a smile. "Also Vilda."

"She wasn't even born as a nexi, so that's definitely unusual. Also, she's just unusual," zie says, to which the elf gives a vehement nod. "But even though she and I agree on almost everything, I'm a lot more comfortable with that than with the other nexi who were born agreeing with me. Vilda, at least, had years before she was a nexi. She was already really old before she met me."

Drannor's mouth quirks again, but he speaks seriously. "The nexi who were born within the last couple of years are never going to have a time-before-the-Nexus like her. What do you think about Tempus?"

"Huh?"

"You were told to worship Tempus upon your creation. There are some similarities between your situation and the other nexi who look to you as a patron."

Nexus shudders. "I'm not. But ... you're right, I did get to think about my choice of deity, and I still picked Tempus. When I heard his dogma and talked to his priests after I escaped, I came to like him myself, not because I was told to."

Zie pauses and looks out its window at the city, where the buzz of activity is constant with a population that never sleeps. "I think I need to talk to the nexi. Differently."

*

Nexus finds Jakob Col returning from a delivery of scrap to the architects, his cart empty.

"Excuse me, Jakob?"

Jakob pulls up his cart and looks up at Nexus with an expression of polite inquiry.

"What did you know about me when you woke up?"

Jakob looks up at Nexus curiously, like he is collecting information rather than the one being asked for it. "A lot," he replies. "I knew your name, and where you were born, and that you started in Eshpurta. I know when you met the rest of the Adamant Company - Weaver-Father Kanuran, and Lyson Racaster, and Anora Marthareus and Luth Feragon, and Levanter the Eastern Wind and Buran the Two-Edged Wind. I know about your time in Daggerford, and the Kecuala Marshes, and Loudwater, and Candlekeep, and Baldur's Gate."

Nexus nods. "That is a lot. What about when I went back to Amn?"

Jakob shrugs. "That's when many of us met you. We weren't born with that, we experienced that."

"Oh, right." Zie thinks about that. "So you didn't gain any knowledge of me after you were born? Besides what you actually saw in person, or what someone told you."

Jakob shakes his head, and somehow that makes Nexus feel better. Zie still doesn't know how or why the nexi are born knowing about zir, but at least their minds aren't affected after their birth. At least, if Jakob's experience is the same as others'.

"Thanks," Nexus says, and heads off to find another nexi to ask.

*

Urbanus watches Nexus with her glittering, stained glass eyes while zie talks. She has the same inborn knowledge as Jakob, despite being born much later. When she gets to the Kecuala Marshes, though, she speaks in detail and her voice holds a reverence that makes clear she considers that some of the most important knowledge.

But when Nexus asks about Kershach, Urbanus' answer is disappointingly brief. "He was the wielder of Unfettered, who then gave you the sword."

Nexus makes a sound of dismay and tries to explain. "Kershach was more than that. He was ... he was a Blackscale, who left the Marshes to learn and train. When he came back, he found that one of his former companions, Shirikshik, had taken over leadership of the tribe. But he realized something was wrong with her, and she was using the tribe for the illithids, and so he gathered allies like the Adamant Company to make war on her, all on his own."

To Nexus' satisfaction, Urbanus is listening avidly to this description. In fact, a couple of other nearby nexi have wandered over as well.

"Kershach was a person who loved his tribe, and his home, but he didn't let that stop him from fixing things that were wrong. It put the tribe at risk, but without his actions the Blackscale - and all the kecuala - would have been taken over by the illithids, so he knew it was necessary. He was a very brave person, and he loved his tribe enough to die for them. Before him, I didn't really know what it meant to sacrifice yourself. And without him, I wouldn't have Unfettered."

When the nexi disperse, Nexus can hear some of them recounting zir words and sharing Kershach's story with others. Zie is pleased, and wishes zie had the time to share all zir stories, of the people zie has known and the things zie has seen, to fill in the gaps of their knowledge.

"I should write this down," Nexus says out loud.

"Yes," Drannor agrees.

*

"So you know all the same things that the older nexi know?"

Underfoot of The Cobbled nods zir head, parts of Ironbloom's former streets bobbing. "I've lived less but I know as much as they do about the Nexus."

"Just 'Nexus,'" Nexus corrects. "Do you think you feel the same way about me as the older nexi?"

Underfoot shrugs, cobblestones grinding together. "I don't really know how the older nexi feel. They've had years," zir inflection of this word holds no small amount of awe, "to develop their opinions of Nexus."

"I guess that does make a big difference. I've changed my opinions a lot since I was a few hours old like you. Would it help to get to know me better?"

Underfoot nods enthusiastically. "I would love to get to know Nexus better."

Zir eagerness makes Nexus hesitate, but zie is young, and that calms Nexus. Lots of things are very exciting when you're young. And, as Underfoot pointed out, the older nexi's opinions have changed and zir own opinion can change.

"I would like to talk to you more, but we don't have time now because of the war," Nexus explains, and Underfoot agrees. "But there are some stories I'm writing down, so people can share them and read them. I would like ... I would like you, and anyone else who wants to, to get to know who I really am. Would that be good?"

Underfoot nods, and Nexus goes to find Fourth feeling lighter than zie did before.

*

On the way to Fourth's room, Nexus sees Sara Longacre, and the sight of Kanuran and Meena's daughter makes zir happy. She's a sign that other people can bring nexi to life, and also that a nexi can be born from the influence of both the Weaver Father and Nexus, yet still have her own personality - Nexus doesn't think Kanuran would quite agree, but zie is glad she argued with her father.

Nexus knocks on Fourth's door. When he opens it, zie says, "Fourth, it's like I have been given a giant sword, like the one Justice wields. I know how to use a sword and I'm good at it, and I will use my sword as skillfully as I can for the things I believe in. But a sword like Justice's - I would suddenly have a much larger and damaging weapon than I'm used to, and with all that power I could very easily hurt other people. Or myself. So I have to be careful."

Fourth gazes at Nexus for several seconds. He finally nods. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, Nexus, I understand what you're saying. I can see why you want to be careful with the nexi." He spreads his hands. "But now is not a time to be careful like that. Garagos is at our doorstep - almost literally, with the permanent portal from Silverdale - and the nexi need a strong leader. They need someone who can unite them for survival."

"I know, and I agree with you too. But I want to make sure I don't push any of the nexi into a war they don't really believe in. I want to convince them because it's right and they agree, not because it's me and they think I'm ... whatever they think I am."

"Then convince them." Fourth gestures out past the doorway they are still standing in.

Nexus nods. "I will. But it might not be exactly how you want."

"I am used to that from you. Let's go."

*

Nexus sits down on the edge of the roof and looks down at the gathered crowd. As efficient and enthusiastic as ever, it had taken less than an hour for the nexi of Ironbloom to gather once more.

"There's one thing I need to do first. I think I need to apologize to you, because ..." Nexus begins. Zie thinks for a moment, trying to sum up what zie needs to say. "Because I don't know that many of you very well. I haven't spent as much time as I'd like with many of you, getting to know you, and that's because I've been kind of afraid."

At this point, some of the nexi look openly confused, so Nexus tries to find the quickest and clearest way of explaining. "I was afraid of doing to you one of the things that Kral Redstone did to me. When he had me created, he told me I was his property and had to follow his orders. For a long time, I didn't realize there was another option. I just thought that was how it was. I had to learn that I could disagree, and do things I wanted to do instead of what I was told to do. I'm afraid ..." Here zie hesitates, looking at the nexi's faces and trying to figure out how to understand them, and make zirself understood. "You look up to me a lot, and treat me like I'm very important, and I appreciate that. I'm not forcing you like Redstone, but I'm still afraid of influencing you to do things that I want without knowing the other options. And if you want to do what I want, that's okay - I ended up wanting to do some of the things Redstone made me do, like fight and worship Tempus. But it was important that I got to consider my choices and make the decision on my own. And I want you all to be able to do that, and not have me be any more important than anything else you consider when you decide what to do. Even if you disagree with me." Zie shook zir head. "Especially if you disagree. And if you do agree, I want it to be because you know what you're getting into and you're living the life that makes you happiest when you follow me."

Nexus pauses to see how that goes over. Unfortunately, zie was never good at reading people, but zie sees some nods and thoughtful expressions. The only thing to do is keep talking. "I would like to speak with you more, and not just in a big group like this, so we can get to know each other better. Since we don't have the time right now because of the war, I am going to write down everything I can remember about my life, and make copies for everyone. There are parts of my life that weren't included in the knowledge you were born with, and I want you to know everything.

"So that's that," Nexus says, and stands up. "The main thing I wanted to talk to you about was my speech to you the other day. Fourth said something very important to me, and that was that the nexi as a people need a strong leader right now, because we're threatened as a people by the war. And I didn't act like a very strong leader.

"I just told you the reasons why I don't want to be your leader, at least not just because of how you were born. But Fourth is right; if you want to succeed during war, you need to be united. I care about you, and I want as many of you to survive this conflict as possible, so you can explore life for yourselves. So maybe instead of having a single leader, we can at least unite under a single cause."

Nexus raises zir sword, the weapon that has been with zir for most of zir life. "Unfettered represents a lot of things, but mostly I think it represents freedom, friendship, and hope. As some of you know, it was created by two slaves, a dwarf named Thungrim and a goliath named Kanithiak. They became friends in creating the sword, and it gave them both hope even during their slavery. Thungrim died defending Kanithiak from their captors, but because of his sacrifice, Kanithiak used Unfettered to escape. They were friends, and they valued friendship and freedom more than their own lives."

Zie lowers the blade. "This sword is holy to Tempus. And it's in Tempus' dogma to do what Kanithiak and Thungrim did - to defend yourself and the things that are meaningful to you," zie says, voice growing louder with emotion. This time when Nexus looks at zir fellow nexi zie sees their faces lit with enthusiasm. "And to use war for change when the world is wrong!"

Some of the nexi get louder in their agreement, shouting and raising their arms.

Maybe some of them are just acting under the influence of the assumptions they were born with, but Nexus feels more at ease now, sharing the story of Unfettered with people zie knows a little better now. It's a powerful story, and one that could sway anyone, regardless of who tells it.

It is a story, Nexus knows, with which one can call people to fight and die. Zie still wishes the nexi had more time to live before undertaking such a risk, but this is better than when zie wasn't sure whether they were cheering just to be fighting alongside Nexus zirself.

"This is what I'm asking you to do, if you join the fight against Garagos," zie says, voice solemn but still impassioned. "War is dangerous, and we're risking death and loss. Tempus instructs us to do it only if it's truly what's necessary - but if it is, we should do everything we can to make sure it makes the world a better place. However you contribute - as a fighter, a healer, an architect or a diplomat - contribute for that goal. That is how war is best used."

Rapt stares and some cheers are directed at Nexus, and zie lifts Unfettered high, feeling a surge of pride as their collective voice raises in response to the sword. "To defend what you believe in!" zie calls down. "Protect what is dear to you! Fight for freedom!"

Standing atop the temple in Ironbloom, Nexus looks down at the cheering crowd. They are not an army of soldiers, but they are a formidable - and united - force. In the name of Tempus, zie thinks, praying to the heavens above and zir god down on this plane, I dedicate our battle. And our victory.