sigelphoenix

- Bibliomancy, you know the drill: nearest book, page 126, sentence 6 predicts the year ahead. I have two equidistant books, fiction and non-fiction.
Fiction: "Did you say backpacking?" [Yes?]
Non-fiction: Grows attached to rock [can confirm],
usually below low water [well, that's a matter of opinion, buddy!],
sometimes in pools on lower shore [trufax].

- Happy Gregorian rollover to y'all! As is traditional, mine was spent at an all-night party with much dancing. I met up with my three most reliable once-a-year dance partners, all of whom remain able to whirl me around the floor. One lifts my feet off the floor like dancing with a human chair-o-plane, wheeee, despite our combined ages being well north of a century, lol. In other news, the international Olympic musical chairs committee have issued several lifetime bans due to shocking behaviour on the playing floor. Hilariously, the overly-competitive men of a certain age knocked each other out of competition in the early rounds so the grand final was between two somewhat vague older women who, when the music stopped playing, turned to look at each other and said "Oh!" in unison before one of them decorously sat in the remaining chair. A well-earned victory! :D

- Lexicophilia part 1: I recently saw a large sign on a closed gate stating "GATE CLOSED", and I'm still wondering about the circumstances which led to the placing of this sign because... why...?!

- Lexicophilia part 2: I regret to inform you there's a shop trading as Souled Out Holistic Centre, which is now second in my terrible retail puns list after Damsel In This Dress.

- Social media: I'm unlikely to post much on Dreamwidth for the foreseeable future, but I hope to be around in comments for my nearest and dearest. Apologies, either for my absence or presence, whichever you prefer. ;-)

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.
What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.
A schedule defends from chaos and whim.
It is a net for catching days.
It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both hands at sections of time.
A schedule is a mock-up of reason and order—willed, faked, and so brought into being;
it is a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time;
it is a lifeboat on which you find yourself,
decades later, still living.
Each day is the same,
so you remember the series afterward as a blurred and powerful pattern.

~ Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

My paternal grandpa died this morning, and one of the things I've learned from this is that it's very different to lose a grandparent at 43 than it was at 27, when I lost my maternal grandpa. Both were on hospice before dying, both died at home, both left a widow and kids and a number of grandkids, of whom, in both cases, I was the oldest grandchild, and in both cases my respective parent was the oldest child of the family.

Three things changed: first, my paternal grandpa died at 86 and had years to get used to the fact that his body was failing, unlike my maternal grandpa, who died much younger and had a precipitous collapse. Second, I had the opportunity to say a pretty proper, quiet goodbye to my paternal grandpa—I sat by his bedside on Christmas Day and read to him, told him I loved him, and so on. He couldn't speak, due to the way his illness has struck him, but he was conscious, and I knew he could understand everything I said, whereas my maternal grandpa went from doing quite well to completely zonked out on pain meds so quickly that no proper goodbye was really possible.

The third thing that changed was me. At 27, my grandpa getting sick was pretty much the first time I'd really experienced death directly. My great-grandmas had both died, but one of them had had Alzheimers and died when I was about eight, and I hadn't been near her when she was dying, and the other died of complications from emphysema when I was 16, and I saw her in the hospital and had a very nice goodbye with her, but wasn't there while she was in the active process. I took an anthropology class on death, and I'd had pets die, but I'd never been present when they died.

In the intervening years, I've lost two friends and my own firstborn child. I've read extensively about death and dying because of that same anthropological interest that led me to take the college class, but also to deal with the grief of losing my daughter, and for a million other reasons. I've had therapy, and another child, and approached middle age. My husband and several of my friends have lost parents.

After visiting on Christmas Day, I remember thinking that it would be best if Grandpa passed sometime between then and early January, because he already seemed peaceful but weak. On New Year's Eve, I remember thinking about how people often wait for significant dates, and wondering if I would get the call the next day. And then I got the call in the morning.

On New Year's Eve I went looking through the liquor cabinet (not something I do often—I very rarely drink anymore) to see what we had, and found the last of a bottle of Gun Club Gin, which I'd bought for my grandpa for Christmas a few times in better days, and which he'd said he liked a lot. I thought about finishing it off for New Year's Eve, but set it aside for another time and had a bit of tawny port instead. I made sure it was accessible, though.

Tonight I finished it, in a little brandy-snifter glass with yuja-cha and water. I drank a toast to my grandpa straight, before adding the yuja-cha and water, and hope he can in some way appreciate that as a little way of honoring him.

1. Dear Eric: In 2020, my now-wife and I were engaged. My mother is a nurse and has asthma and was deeply hit with mental and emotional stress from the pandemic. She would not attend most wedding planning events and would always be concerned with germs, wearing an N95 mask and keeping her distance.

My wife had a completely opposite reaction to the pandemic. It was more of a nuisance to her. In her eyes, there was no threat. My wife began to develop a feeling of abandonment from someone who was supposed to be her mother-in-law. She opened up to me about how much she was hurt, and I told her it wasn't my mother's fault and that she was just petrified by the pandemic and it was the only thing she could do.

My wife told me I was taking my mother’s side. Hurtful messages were sent by my wife and my mother just shut down the relationship and blocked her.mMy wedding was in October 2021. My mother braved the crowd of 155 people and attended without a mask. I was so proud of her. But my wife was angry about her presence.

My wife and I are still fighting occasionally about this issue, and the spats are becoming increasingly more intense. She still says extremely hurtful things about my mother often. My mother’s mindset was extreme but considering her working at a nursing home and having asthma, it’s totally understandable. That isn’t believable, according to my wife.

I am writing for guidance to understand how to solve this mess. Was I in the wrong for how I initially reacted toward my wife? I just don’t want this to destroy my marriage.

– Hurting Husband and Son

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2. Dear Eric: Our son and his girlfriend of 24 years got married by a judge. It was a civil ceremony necessary to get him on her health insurance.

He approached my wife and me and said, "we're not into social media.” I did not glean from this that he meant we should post nothing at all. To share the good news with my friends, I did post one photo. Late the next night he texted us to take it down, saying "we asked you directly not to do this." I replied, I'm sorry, I didn't understand that I was not to post anything at all.

I feel bad because my son seems to feel he can forbid me from sharing this news with my friends. Many are longtime friends from church who have known my son for decades. It seems to me a little pushy for him to forbid me to share with my friends what I feel is good news. He seems to want to downplay it.

Should I not have made the post and leaned more toward caution? Should I have interpreted "we're not into social media" differently? I welcome your advice about how to perceive this situation and where to go from here.

– Deleted Post

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3. Dear Eric: My children are grown. Two live locally and one super local (our home!). One is married with young children, and we see them often, spending most holidays with them. (In-laws are unpleasant, to say the least.)

Our middle child is in a relatively new relationship that has become pretty serious. We planned a beach vacation with my in-laws (our kids’ cousins, aunt and uncles) for Thanksgiving, which everyone seemed excited about when we booked the house.

Now the middle child will come with his girlfriend for just a few days and then fly to her family for the actual holiday. He has been noncommittal about Christmas because they may again travel to her family. When we got married, we alternated holidays with our families or stayed home. We were careful not to favor one side over the other. I really like his girlfriend but am sad that he seems OK with spending all holidays with her family.

Any suggestions on how to broach this subject without sounding whiny or critical? If it matters, she only recently moved to our area.

– Sharing Holidays

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1. DEAR ABBY: My son has completely given up on dating. Whether it's blind dates, casual meetings with members from our church or dating events I pay for and make him go to, he still hasn't found a wife. At 36, he should already have children and a partner, but despite the best efforts of my wife and me, he remains unmarried.

Our son is 6 feet tall, athletic and godly, and he has his own apartment and clears $100k a year. Despite all this, he still doesn't have a wife. It's even reached the point that he gets angry at my wife and me for pressuring him. During a few of the blind dates we set up for him, I watched from afar, and each time he was stood up! How can I ensure my son gets a wife before I grow too old? -- DAD LOSING HOPE IN NEW YORK

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a wonderful son in his early 20s. He is intelligent, articulate, has a great sense of humor and taste in music, is very responsible (he’s even managed to save a sizable chunk of cash at a young age), and is very handsome. I realize I have a biased view here, but I get comments all the time about what a wonderful young man he is. In school and employment, his teachers, co-workers, and supervisors have always raved about him. I couldn’t possibly be prouder. There’s just one problem…

He is struggling socially, and more specifically on the romantic front. He’s not a drinker or partier, so he doesn’t engage in a lot of the typical activities that others in his age group do, and that leaves him going to work, then coming home. He’s lonely, unhappy, and has no confidence in himself. The one time he attempted to date in high school, he was met with some rejection, and he just hasn’t put himself out there again. I see how much it’s hurting him to see others his age dating, getting engaged, and even married, and I’ve heard him make comments about how he’d like those things for himself as well. I know that there would be lots of women who would love to date a young man like my son. I encouraged him to set up a profile on a dating site, and he did, but nothing has come of that either. I don’t want to meddle or interfere, but I hate to see how hurt he is.

We have talked over and over about how he will need to push outside of his comfort zone (our house) if he wants to meet someone. He has had professional counseling for social anxiety, which I’ve encouraged and helped facilitate. He’s so miserable being alone, and I want so badly to help him, that I’ve considered trying to set up a date for him myself, but I don’t want to be THAT mom. I love my son, and I want to help him find his happiness. What should I do here? How can I help him? I can’t help thinking that getting him out on one date to break the ice would maybe be just what he needs. Or maybe this is all none of my business? It’s hard to ignore when he lives in my home and shares with me how much this is hurting him. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

—Maybe Meddling Mama

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1. DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old son was getting off the school bus. His friend was in front of him. My son thought it would be funny to take his friend's water bottle out of his backpack and drop it on the pavement. A few days later, my son got sent to the principal's office, not because he was in trouble but because the parents had called the school to complain about their son's scuffed water bottle and wanted it replaced. They asked for $23.

I wrote a check and was tempted to add a snarky comment, but I didn't. Yes, my son should keep his hands to himself, but the water bottle is still functional. My son apologized. Am I living my life wrong, or is it OK that they just invoiced me like that? -- UNSURE IN ILLINOIS

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2. We own a cabin across the street from our rural home. We rent it out occasionally. Our latest renter was the son of a neighbor who was in town for the holidays. We welcomed him and gave him our “friends and family” discount. On his first day there, we noticed that he had plugged his car into the charging station in the cabin’s garage. I understand his need to charge his car — but not at someone else’s expense. His behavior struck me as rude and presumptuous. Your thoughts?

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3. My husband’s relatives are visiting from another country over Christmas. The two adults speak English fluently, but they haven’t taught their children — ages 3 and 5 — a word of it. This means that I will not be able to communicate with the children at all and they will be frightened by everyone they meet at holiday events since they won’t understand anything. The parents claim they haven’t taught their children English because they will learn it in school. But they planned this visit a year ago! So, because of their laziness, I will be excluded from many conversations in my own home. I see no point in learning their language since there is no language barrier among the adults. This is not the children’s fault, but their parents’ behavior is annoying and deliberate. How should I handle it?

HOSTESS

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4. A friend invited me to her New Year’s Eve party again this year, and again, she asked me to bring a dish to serve. A potluck! The food she offers herself is undistinguished. Granted, being a hostess is demanding, but my feeling is that if you can’t manage to feed your guests, you shouldn’t invite them. I would never ask mine to supply the repast. I am offended at the thought of buying and cooking food for her party. How can I decline her request to bring food but nevertheless attend the party?

GUEST

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5. Dear Eric: I own a few cars that I park on the street in front of my house. Some new toddlers and preschool kids are learning how to ride a bike. They circle constantly in front of my house instead of the house they rent next door to my house.

The neighbors park all over the street, and do not use the driveway. They have several cars and live in a cul-de-sac. They are not watching or teaching the kids how to ride or even stay out of the road as cars come through. But that's another issue. My question is, do I have any rights as a homeowner and county resident to ask the renters to stay away from the area in front of my house and the cars parked in front? My concern being the kids might hit my cars, and it's actually annoying to see them in front of my house for hours. People think these are my kids and think I'm not watching them.

What can I do?

– Neighborhood Watch

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Привет and welcome to our new Russian friends from LiveJournal! We are happy to offer you a new home. We will not require identification for you to post or comment. We also do not cooperate with Russian government requests for any information about your account unless they go through a United States court first. (And it hasn't happened in 16 years!)

Importing your journal from ЖЖ may be slow. There are a lot of you, with many posts and comments, and we have to limit how fast we download your information from ЖЖ so they don't block us. Please be patient! We have been watching and fixing errors, and we will go back to doing that after the holiday is over.

I am very sorry that we can't translate the site into Russian or offer support in Russian. We are a much, much smaller company than LiveJournal is, and my high school Russian classes were a very long time ago :) But at least we aren't owned by Sberbank!

С Новым Годом, and welcome home!

EDIT: Большое спасибо всем за помощь друг другу в комментариях! Я ценю каждого, кто предоставляет нашим новым соседям информацию, понятную им без необходимости искать её в Google. :) И спасибо вам за терпение к моему русскому переводу с помощью Google Translate! Прошло уже много-много лет со школьных времен!

Thank you also to everyone who's been giving our new neighbors a warm welcome. I love you all ❤️

[I think this is the same situation as in conuly's last post but with more details]

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been together for 11 years. He has one daughter, 43, with two young children I adore and have been close to until last summer when the volcano erupted.

Since the beginning of our relationship, I have made every effort to be loving and generous to his daughter. She acts entitled and ungrateful to me.

It’s my fault for not standing up for myself early in my joining the family. For example, I wish to be thanked for gifts, babysitting, making holidays happen, having them over for dinner and so on.

She doesn’t seem to care about me at all. Her father will not stand up to her and seems scared of her.

Last summer I blew up at her in a text and let her know how I feel about her behavior.

I called her a manipulative user and let her know my truth which is certainly not her truth. I apologized twice in two letters for being so harsh, but she will not forgive me, allow a repair or let me see the grandkids. Her father will not help. This is hurting our marriage.

I miss the little ones terribly and cried for months about this. Yes, I am in therapy and hoping my husband will go to couples counseling together. Funny, he is a psychotherapist. I would be most appreciative if you can offer us your help.

— Missing Family

Family: Ask yourself what you have the power to change and what you need to accept, even if you don’t like it.

For instance, you probably should accept that the relationship with your husband’s daughter is not serving either one of you right now. And it’s probably because her relationship with your husband is not healthy. It’s likely that some of the frustration you’re feeling stems from a desire to change something that’s outside of your control.

You write that your husband won’t help you. If you want him to compel his daughter to accept your apology, that might not actually be useful. Unfortunately, even though your relationship with the grandkids was, perhaps, healthy, the other relationships supporting it are less so.

So, what can you change? Well, you’re doing the most important first step by working on yourself in therapy. If your husband won’t go to couples counseling (which he should), ask him why and ask him how he proposes to help you both communicate better.

1. Hello, Carolyn: My stepdaughter won’t allow me to see her children, 6 and 8. I bent over backward for 11 years trying to be supportive and generous to her and then her children, but she acts entitled and ungrateful. Last summer I blew it and told her off. That was the end of my loving relationship with her and the grandkids I adore.

I know it is largely my fault for not speaking up sooner on how I would like to be treated. My husband, a dear, won’t get involved in trying to repair the relationship. Of course, I have apologized to his daughter for being so harsh. Please help.

— Anonymous

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2. DEAR ABBY: My son died of cancer at 33. It was heartbreaking. My daughter-in-law, "Belinda," had grown distant before his death, and although they had a son through artificial insemination, I have almost never seen him. I helped with the weeding in my son's yard, but any time I came, Belinda always had the baby at the park or someplace else.

Now that my son is gone, she won't answer any phone calls or texts. We do have some contact with her family. They have asked her why she won't contact us, and she has no explanation. My theory is that Belinda was uncomfortable sharing our son, and it has transferred to the grandchildren. I say "grandchildren" because she used his sperm to have another child. We found out by accident that a baby girl was born. We were never notified. While I doubt this plays a big part in this, Belinda is bipolar.

As it stands, I no longer make an effort to have a relationship with my grandchildren. They are so young, and I anticipate difficulty in pursuing grandparents' rights because of their ages and their mother's attitude toward us. This is painful, as they are the only part of my son that remains. I feel helpless and have pretty much blocked out the fact that I have grandchildren. Do you have any advice? -- BLOCKED IN OHIO

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3. Dear Annie: My daughter, 31, left home at 19 to attend university. Within weeks, she began dating a boy she'd met through the school's Facebook group. Coming from our cultural background, we weren't comfortable with relationships outside marriage, but after two years, she moved in with him, mostly on her terms. They lived together for six years, bought a house, got a dog, eventually married and, two and a half years later, had my precious granddaughter.

My daughter has always dominated her marriage. Everything has to be on her terms. She's intelligent, determined and successful, but also bossy, pushy and demanding. Outwardly she can be sweet, but behind closed doors she often belittled her husband, and his laid-back nature just let her have her way.

About a year and a half ago, while I was babysitting, my daughter suddenly announced she no longer loved her husband and wanted to separate. I was shocked, but she bulldozed through the conversation and didn't let me say a word. Deep down, I was sure another man was involved. Within six months, the house was sold, assets divided and custody arranged, with little thought to the impact on their young daughter. My daughter was also left with the dog, which my son-in-law wanted no part of anymore.

It's been nearly a year since the split. My daughter appears to have a new partner, though she won't confirm it, only dropping hints to "familiarize" us with this new relationship, while her not-yet-ex-husband has turned to online dating. My granddaughter now splits time between them.

At her father's house, she still sees her other grandparents weekly. But with us, my daughter controls every visit and barely lets us into her life. We went from caring for our granddaughter regularly to limited contact with her and only when my daughter is present. She uses her daughter as leverage, essentially saying to us, "Accept my choices or lose contact."

Being around her feels like walking on eggshells. If I disagree, I'm met with silence, manipulation or explosive behavior. I cry every night, heartbroken over what feels like losing a limb. I feel for my son-in-law, who I believe was wronged, and I ache for my granddaughter, torn between two homes and two very different upbringings. Most of all, I am at a loss for how to move forward.

Deep down, my instincts tell me this new relationship won't last, but I don't know how to stand by my values and still hold on to my only grandchild. How can I stay in her life without surrendering completely to my daughter's demands? -- Heartbroken Grandmother

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4. Dear Prudence,

“Sean” is my son’s former stepson. He married Sean’s mom when Sean was 6, and the same year my granddaughter was born. They got divorced when Sean was 12. Sean is 15 now. My husband and I have bent over backwards trying to stay in touch with Sean after the divorce. We called, texted, and sent gifts. We live out of state, so seeing both our grandchildren is hard.

Sean rarely responds to any calls, and his mother will not even tell us if he likes the gifts we send him, let alone make him say thank you. My son just shrugs and says that is the nature of divorce, and we are setting ourselves up for failure.

This breaks our hearts because we did our best to embrace Sean as our grandchild. He is still in our will with our other grandchildren. My husband thinks that we should stop trying so hard and step back. Sean is old enough to be able to decide if he wants a relationship with us or not. It isn’t like his mom monitors his phone, and Sean is always “busy” when we visit. He thinks we need to rewrite our will and take Sean out. I understand going through another divorce is hard, but Sean has even cut off his cousins, and those boys were as thick as thieves. What should we do? Wait? Push? Stepback? The divorce was mutual, as far as we know.

—Sean Doesn’t Say

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5. Dear Care and Feeding,

I gave birth to a baby girl a few weeks ago, and my mom has been coming to help for a full day once a week. She’s wonderful with my newborn: She changes diapers like a pro, she is great at getting her to stop crying, and she is respectful of rules that were different from when she had her kids (like the fact that babies are supposed to sleep on their backs, without blankets and stuffed animals in the crib). It’s a dream grandparent setup, really! Except for one thing. My problem is what she brings with her every time she comes over.

Every time Grandma arrives, she’s toting a box of stuff from my childhood. When we first got home from the hospital, she brought toys from when I was a toddler. Last week, it was art from the 4th grade. This week, it was photo albums from when I was a baby, and a bunch of my baby blankets. When I suggested gently that the albums of baby photos would be better off remaining at her house, she said she’d think about it.

Well, an hour later, she said, “I thought about it, and I worry that if I don’t bring them here to you, you’ll never see them again.” Which to me sounded like a threat! But the next thing she said was, “You look so tired, go take a nap,” as she removed my screaming daughter from my arms. So it’s not like I was in a position to argue.

My mother is in good health and lives alone in the four-bedroom house she raised my brother and me in. We live in a very small home with comically limited closet space (thanks, housing crisis). I can’t keep up with all the stuff she brings over. But I very much want to stay on as good of terms as humanly possible with her. So what do I do?

—Boxed In

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"[Surrealism is] the belief that nothing is ordinary; that everything in life is extraordinary. And being old is no more, no less, extraordinary than being young." - Leonora Carrington (Surreal Spaces)

Alison’s "best holiday date story of all time" (below), which has inspired its own fanfic!
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Dear Miss Manners: I have long been troubled by the carol “We Wish You a Merry Christmas,” specifically the intimation that if we don’t give the uninvited guests their figgy pudding, they “won’t go.”

How are we to address this request? I don’t want to be ungrateful for their wishes, but think that their insistence is a bit beyond what is considered polite and reasonable. Can you advise how to proceed?

What was that? Miss Manners couldn’t quite hear you over the ruckus made by the geese a-laying, the calling birds, the French hens and the turtledoves. The partridge, fortunately, appears to have passed out under the pear tree.

Current reading quote: "F[redacted] the privatization of the toilet. F[redacted] the privatization of the sky."

To be read 1 Jan 2025: 90
To be read 24 Dec 2025: 67, lol (win, tho)

Books read: 123

DNFs: 8 (nearly 9, I'm looking at you William Heinesen)

Reading challenges completed: 49

These are minimums as some authors prefer their privacy, and some in-work representation was perfunctory or tokenising (imo as reader) so I didn't count it.
BIPOC representation: 41
Disabled representation: 21
LGBT+ representation: 26
Senior representation: 31

Woman author/s: 72
Also, authors as self-identified: 8 not men, at least one transman, and an unknown-to-me (because some authors prefer their privacy).

Authors neither British or USian (because these two anglophone publishing industries dominate my local book market).
Canada: 8 (but 4x1 author, 3x1 author, + 1 expat Canadian in UK).
Born in Palestine / Jerusalem: 6 (including 2x1 author).
Japan: 5
EU, current area: 8 (not all born or residing in actual EU member states).
Also: Afghanistan, Australia, Ghana, Jamaica, Korea, India, Indonesia/Australia/UK, Malaysia/UK, Singapore/UK/US, and schrodinger's New Zealander.

New to me, previously unread authors: 65

( &c. )