sigelphoenix

Title: Inhuman Nature
Characters: Nexus, Luth, Drannor
Word Count: ~4200
Summary: A changeling, a nexi, and a ghost elf walk into a tavern ...
Notes: RP with lunapome after the adventure in Calimport.

The night after the fight with Dalmosh, Nexus and Drannor were chatting - within the confines of Nexus' mind only, since Drannor wasn't visible to other people, and it figured the other guests at the inn would look at it strangely if it walked around talking to itself - when it saw Luth wandering the halls. It was glad to see him, because it had something to ask.

The night had not been restful for Luth. With the current crisis over and Sid fast asleep, he had run out of things in the present to occupy his mind with and his thoughts turned viciously to his newly found memories. He took to restlessly prowling the halls trying to keep his memories at bay.

The nexi waved at its friend while they approached. "Hi, Luth. If you're not busy, can I get your help with something?"

Luth had heard Nexus long before the construct came into view and waved back at the nexi's greeting. "Sure, what is it?" he replied, welcoming a distraction.

"I've been thinking about Dalmosh and Thespleen a lot ... It seems like there might be a lot of places like Thespleen inside of Dalmosh's stomach, since it's so huge and people who got swallowed could end up anywhere. And it would be pretty horrible to be lost and stuck in there, so I wanted to try to get people who could explore the demi-plane and help them. You know, like Toril's Fist, except instead of the Dire Wood it would be Dalmosh's insides." Drannor nodded and Nexus nodded too, glad he liked its simile. "Kanuran told me some people to contact, so Lyson and I started writing some letters to them. I know you like to write letters, too, Luth. They're always very thorough. Maybe you could help with these ones?"

"I can help you edit your letters if you like. " Luth rubbed the back of his neck. "I would offer to write some, but I think I would be doing you a disservice. My letters are notoriously boring."

"Oh. Jhaer always said you wrote thorough letters. Maybe 'thorough' can mean 'boring' too," it said thoughtfully. "But she always seemed to like them, so thorough is good. I'd like you to make sure the letters are thorough, so we can get as much information to these contacts as possible and can figure out how to rescue people in Dalmosh."

Luth flushed at the mention of Jhaer and his letters. "Right... yes... thorough..." He fidgeted, wishing she was here. She would be comforting, she would listen, she would... help keep him sane.

"Great, thank you, Luth," Nexus said. That request taken care of, it decided to share with Luth an interesting part of its conversation with Drannor. "You know, Drannor has had experience being swallowed by something, too. It was something called a behir, and he cut himself out of its stomach using a light blade."

Luth barely heard Nexus keep talking, and started as he realized the nexi was standing there, staring at him and waiting for a response.

"I... umm..." Luth shifted his weight and ran his hands through his hair as the silence stretched out awkwardly between them, the conversation ending. "Nexus, uh, would you like to go get something to drink-- not alcohol-- maybe something brewed? Not that you drink things... ever... but... I--" Luth stuttered and tripped over his tongue before he closed his eyes took a deep breath. "It's just, well, it's not a good night for me and I don't... I don't want to spend it alone."

"Oh," was all Nexus said at first, because Luth had never said anything like that to it before. Usually the man was more withdrawn and Nexus had to guess what he was feeling, and since Nexus was bad at guessing people's feelings and Luth was good at hiding his, it didn't stand much of a chance. "I'm sorry, Luth, I didn't realize that you were upset. I would be happy to drink brewed things with you, if that will help improve your night."

Nexus thought about offering him a hug - it mentally queried Drannor for his opinion, but the elf just shrugged - so it patted Luth's shoulder instead.

Luth gave a tiny nod. "Please."

They made their way down to the inn's common room; it was dark except for a banked fire and a few late night lamps, and empty except for a few late night drinkers. Luth bothered the late night inn keep for a pot of coffee, and with a few extra coins of incentive she agreed. Luth was stirring the fire back to life when the inn keep arrived with a tray. She said nothing, merely put the tray down, shook her head, and left. Luth blew out a breath and put his head in his hands.

Nexus stared at Luth for a minute, waiting to see if he would move or say anything. It looked to Drannor for help, but the extent of the elf's insight was a worried shrug.

Finally it tapped the man on the shoulder and asked, "Luth? Would drinking coffee make you feel better?"

Luth choked back a bitter laugh and looked up at Nexus. "I guess it doesn't hurt to try." Luth poured himself a cup and sipped at its contents. It scalded his tongue but he drank it anyway.

That didn't seem to help much. Nexus tried a sip of its own. Coffee didn't make it feel good either. "Do you want to talk about something?" it tried. "Do you miss Jhaer?"

Luth gave a sad smile. "I always miss Jhaer, but that is not what is upsetting me." He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "See, in Ironbloom I had Fourth do some psychic surgery on me, to… to restore my missing memories. It said that it would take a while for them to come back and well… they have. They aren't… pleasant."

"Oh." It couldn't really imagine what it would feel like to have forgotten part of its own life. It didn't always think about the earlier parts of its life, but the memories were always there if it wanted them. If someone had asked Nexus, it would've guessed that missing memories would be worse than anything in those memories could be; but the way Luth was talking, he wasn't very glad to have them back. That didn't make much sense to Nexus, but the man was very clearly unhappy. "Do you ... want Fourth to put them back?"

Luth shook his head. "No, I don't want to go back to being ignorant. It just is difficult dealing with the truth."

It nodded. "That makes sense, Luth. Actually ... that makes a lot of sense. That's kind of how I felt when I figured out what Kral Redstone was doing to me and I left Eshpurta. Are you sort of glad, even if you're afraid?"

Luth looked at Nexus thoughtfully. "No, none of this makes me glad. I figured out the person I loved and trusted most in the world lied to me and… well, other things. Things that make me question all the decisions I have ever made, all the things that are important to me."

"Oh. Sorry, I don't understand after all." Again it looked to Drannor for help. Again an elfish shrug. "I'm sorry that person lied to you. I think you make good decisions now, though."

"Heh, I don't think I make good decisions." Luth took a long pull from his cup. "Personal decisions mostly, not decisions made while we are on a mission or in a battle. Though sometimes those too. Like when we fought the Death giants."

"Really?" it asked, trying to think of what it knew of Luth's personal life. Luth was a private person, but Nexus knew the obvious details. "The ones I can think of are good. You're helping us save the world, which is a good choice. And you're friends with us. You're something else with Jhaer and Sid." It thought some more; there were all sorts of things that made Luth unhappy, but Nexus wasn't sure how his choices caused them.

"When in doubt," Drannor said in its head, "ask."

Nexus nodded. "What are the bad decisions you've made?" it asked Luth.

Luth raked an impatient hand through his hair, "Gods, where to start. I don't even know. They all seemed like good choices at the time and maybe for anyone else they would have been good decisions. They were just bad decisions for me, I made them for the wrong reasons, I committed too much of myself to them, I sacrificed too much."

There was a pause. Nexus understood the words Luth said, but not their meaning. "What do you mean?"

Luth examined his words carefully before speaking. "Humm, well I gave an oath many years ago, which wasn't the bad decision," Luth added hastily, "but it ended up giving a really terrible person power over me. And I didn't know... I didn't know." Luth took a shaky deep breath. "Under their tutelage I gave up so much, my honor, my dignity, any sense of self worth." Luth rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand. "It made my foundation faulty, the basis on which I make my decisions. I'm trying to make good choices based on evil philosophies."

"Good choices based on evil philosophies?" Nexus repeated slowly, feeling out the concept. It sounded strange, but the more the nexi thought about the idea, it could understand a little. When Lyson taught demons and devils about being good, he started first by lying to them, and tricking them into doing good actions even though they still thought in evil ways - a concept Nexus still didn't like, even after having many long discussions with Lyson about it - but Nexus admitted that it made sense in a way. "I guess that makes sense. Even though I never thought of your philosophies as evil before, I know I don't think the way you think. But even though we have different reasons, I agree with your choices. So ..." It looked at Luth for awhile; it saw a very skilled, very smart, but also very unhappy person. "Are you trying to change your foundation now?"

Luth looked over at the nexi, absurdly proud at how much its reasoning had improved and grown since he had first met it, even though Luth had very little to do with that. "I've been trying for awhile now to fix some of the intrinsic faults in my reasoning, like the idea that I am expendable, and while I knew why I thought that..." Luth trailed off; what he was saying just wasn't going to make sense without context. "Ya know, Nexus, I think I should start from the beginning if I'm gonna talk about this at all... but I don't want to burden you with my problems."

"You won't burden me. It's true that it's not always fun to talk to you, Luth, because you say angry and unhappy things a lot." It didn't occur to Nexus to pretend it felt otherwise. "But even though sometimes it isn't fun, I like to do it because I like you, so it doesn't feel like a burden."

Luth smiled slightly, "You are a good friend Nexus, probably better than I have been to you... and you deserve to know the truth." Luth topped off his cup of coffee trying to decide whether to start at the beginning or at his beginning. Luth took a deep breath, wondering if he should stop this here and now. What was he going to accomplish by telling Nexus? And yet he was so sick of staying silent, so tired and heart sick. So he started from the beginning as he saw it.

"I was seven when Bran found me, my first memory was him holding his hand out to me and telling me it was okay and that I was safe now. And I remember believing him even though I couldn't remember who I was or anything beyond basic language comprehension. He took me in, told me he would be my adoptive father, he gave me a home and he supported me in all my decisions." Luth smiled sadly at the memories. "When I was ten I swore my oath to Anora's mother and I started my training as a counter intelligence agent, a spy." Luth added, seeing Nexus's confused look. "My training was hard, very very hard, and at the time I thought it was supposed to be. I thought I had to be pushed that much, that I had to sacrifice pieces of myself for a greater cause. I thought it was my duty, I thought... well I thought a lot of things. And when I went to Fourth and regained my memories I figured out that I was wrong, so very... wrong... about everything."

Luth paused, he still wasn't sure telling Nexus this was the wisest course of action, but his misery made him self-absorbed and speaking of his haunted memories had a cathartic quality to it. As if by speaking them aloud he was facing it and not running away from his feelings as Jhaer and Sid were often chiding him for. So Luth refilled his cup and continued. "I found out that my mother was a doppelganger torturer of Loviatar. That she could look like anyone, read your thoughts, and she had the same affinity for language as I do... or I guess that would be the other way around..."

He trailed off with an unreadable expression, Luth pursed his lips together and pressed on through his thickening voice. "She would use her abilities to completely alter the reality of her victims, drive them insane, make them do things they thought they would never do. B-Bran was one of her victims, you see Bran is my real father... not my adoptive father." Luth stared into the fire, his cup clutched in white knuckled hands. "When she was through with him he was a broken man... and she had me. It took Bran six years to put his psyche back together and when he did he came back, killed Kadira, and took me with him, or at least he thought he did. Back then I was not exactly... grateful... umm right... anyway, I lost my memory in the battle between Torm and Bane, in the burst of power in the defeat of Bane. " Luth paused as his voice cracked; he wasn't use to talking this much. He took a pull of now cold coffee and cleared his throat. He finally looked up at Nexus. "Am I... am I making sense?"

"Um ..." Nexus had to think about that. "I think you are. Drannor thinks you are. It's just ..." It shook its head and made a growly noise. "That's a lot. It's ... terrible. Most of it. Not your father being your father, because that's good, right?" It shook its head again. "I don't know what to say. I think I can only listen to you."

Luth nodded. "I understand, and I don't know if Bran being my father is good. I mean I always wanted to be my fathers son in truth, but... he lied to me, Nexus, lied to me. I deserved to know the truth about myself. If I had, maybe... maybe I could have..." Luth shook his head to dispel his rising anger, "that's not even the worst part, and I don't know if I should talk about it because I'm not certain what I'm going to do about it." Luth made a frustrated noise and an impatient gesture. "But it could be detrimental to the party and hiding it to protect you or myself would be no different from what Bran did, so I guess I should tell you... everyone." Luth pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "See, Bran thought that he had killed Kadira but he didn't. She... she showed up later... and I didn't know. I didn't remember!" Luth spit out vehemently. "Kadira took my training master's place; I'm not entirely certain when or if it was just her all along. So, It seems I've spent most of my life apprenticed to a sadistic torturer."

Nexus was silent. Drannor was silent. Luth looked obviously in pain, more than Nexus had ever seen him - it'd only seen him in physical pain before. And when Luth was in physical pain, Nexus could usually help stop or destroy the thing that was causing it; now, it couldn't do anything. Nexus felt concern and anger for Luth that couldn't be dealt with physically at all, a rare experience that always seemed to happen with Luth more than any of its other friends. And even when it had these feelings for its other friends - for Anora when her family died, or Buran when Levanter died - it was always ... simpler.

Drannor made himself perceptible to Luth and, echoing Nexus' thoughts, told him, "Your hardships are more complex and cruel than most anything I have encountered in my years of existence. You don't deserve them, and I'm sorry."

Luth made a small sound and stared into his now empty coffee cup.

"I ..." Nexus began after a long pause, feeling uncharacteristically cautious. Well, it didn't seem like Luth was being helped by silence, so it might as well try talking. "I would be angry, too, to have all of this hidden from me. And confused. So ... what would you like to be instead of apprenticed to a sadistic torturer?"

Luth choked on his drink and proceeded into a coughing fit. It took Luth several moments to regain composure, then he looked up wryly at his friend. "Ya know, sometimes your candid responses are... well, I'm properly chastised for my melodrama. As to what I want to be..." Luth shrugged. "I haven't known the answer to that since Anora fired me."

Nexus was thrown off by Luth's comment. Though it knew the meaning of the words 'melodrama' and 'chastise,' they weren't words that Nexus expected as a response to its own. "I don't think you need to be chastised, Luth. You're figuring out the answer, right? Even after Anora fired you, you've been doing lots of things, like fighting illithids and working against Garagos. Isn't deciding to do those things part of who you are now?"

Luth rubbed the back of his neck "I'm just trying to do the right thing, and it's where my duty is right now. I don't really know if those are a part of who I am or I am doing them because of who I am. You bring up a good point Nexus. I'm not only my mother's apprentice; I am other things as well. It's just figuring out which piece of me is what that is giving me problems."

"It's kind of weird to hear something like that," Nexus remarked. "Figuring out who I am has never been hard for me, even when I escaped from Amn. If you ask me, what's hard is the kind of thing you do easily, like speaking a bunch of new languages." It paused as its thoughts went on a brief tangent - there were probably some nexi who were like Luth, and found questions of self-identity much more difficult than Nexus did. Perhaps they didn't know how to follow Nexus' encouragement to forge their own paths. It would have to take this into account next time it visited Ironbloom. "Since you can do that, I think you can do this."

"I guess it's just hard for me to figure out who I am because I was never really given all that much of a chance. I spent twenty years, give or take, under the influence of someone who thinks it's fun to destroy people's minds. I mean, I'm just figuring out what it was that was done to me, and I still don't know if I understand all the damage that was inflicted... or how to fix it." Luth slammed his fist down onto the table making the dishes rattle. "Damnit! I was out matched from the start, I didn't even have a chance!"

The handful of people in the common room turned to stare at them, and Nexus stared back at them and made a low "hmmm" noise until they turned around again. It turned back to Luth, who had his head in his hands and didn't notice. "That's evil, it's ... I was controlled and manipulated, but not this badly - " Its voice cut off as thoughts continued running through its head. "Wait, Luth! Remember that conversation we had a few months ago, when you were helping me fix Unfettered, and we had just found out about all the nexi in Amn? You believed just as strongly as I did that we had let the nexi lead their own lives, and let them learn about their existence without other people controlling them - like what Redstone did to me, or even worse, what Kadira did to you. Other people didn't understand that, but you did, even though you didn't remember what you went through. And it wasn't part of your duty, either. You just believed it because it was right. So there's already - " Nexus cast about for words. "There's already good parts in you, that went against Kadira even though you didn't remember her. So I think you do have a chance."

Luth gave his friend a small smile, "That is actually really comforting to hear, like there is hope. Thanks."

"You mean that, Luth?" it asked earnestly.

"Ya, I mean that. Because you're right, it had nothing to do with my training or my duty. It means I am capable of doing good things, the right thing without coercion, in spite of it and not because of it. Maybe if I can focus on that and other things like it, maybe I can build from there. It's not a lot of hope but it's more than I had a few hours ago. So yes, thanks."

"Oh. Good." That had been much easier than the time that Luth was doubting his ability to figure out a plan to save the world, and Nexus tried unsuccessfully to restore his confidence. Maybe Luth had gotten better since then, with the help of Kanuran's amulet, so he could even handle being knocked down this badly. Or maybe it was easier for Luth to get over doubts of his goodness than doubts of his intelligence. There was always the possibility that Luth was just pretending to feel better - Nexus would never be able to tell, and there was that Drannor shrug again - but it hoped that wasn't the case.

"Also," Nexus added, "I - and I bet everyone else, too - will help you kill Kadira. Uh ..." it faltered, realizing belatedly that it was talking to Luth about killing his own mother, which people generally didn't do. "If you want us to."

Luth gave Nexus a very hard to read look. "Yes, I'm sure everyone would do everything in their power to kill Kadira, and that is also why I'm not sure I should tell them. I keep wavering back and forth over what to do. Sometimes I want to tear her throat out with my bare hands... and sometimes I just want to ask her why."

"Hm. Well, if she tries to kill you, I think that would be a good reason for us to try to kill her back. But I would try to help you get her in a position where you can talk to her, if you want." It tilted its head thoughtfully at Luth. "Do you think she has a reason why that you don't know about?"

Luth shook his head. "But I still would like to know for certain."

Silence settled upon the table, and he let out a breath, shoulders slumping. There was a little less despair in his posture now; mostly, he was just emotionally and mentally spent. His hands still move restlessly around his coffee mug.

Drannor gave Nexus the mental equivalent of a tap on the shoulder to get its attention, and then he extended himself to Luth's perception. "Luth, would you like to try some training? Go outside and use your sword for a while? I can't do the same things as Nexus and I do during its trances, but with Nexus as a bridge between us, I could probably show you some techniques in the Sublime Way."

Luth looked up, surprised at Drannor's offer. He had toyed with the idea of learning some of the techniques of the Sublime Way and it would be just the thing to get his mind off... this. Luth pressed his lips together and gave a small nod. "Yeah, I would really like that."

"Great!" Drannor clapped his hands and started walking. Since he was anchored to Nexus' body, Nexus obligingly stood up and walked as well. When Luth followed suit, Drannor began chatting to him, launching into his first lesson. "The basic principle of the Diamond Mind school is ..."