Rewriting the sex question meme [sigelphoenix]

Many people have pointed out that the sex question meme is in serious need of revision, so let's try revising it. I was going to be ambitious and do it all myself (HUBRIS, I HAZ IT), but then I realized it would be both better and more fun if it were a group effort.

By way of explanation, here are some of the problems that were raised about the meme:

- Heterocentric questions ("we know everyone is straight so have you done anything REALLY WEIRD like kiss someone of the same sex 'cause that's WEIRD").
- The questions just aren't that interesting, because they ask "have you done _____" instead of "why do you like _____" or "what's the best way you've found to _____."
- The preponderence of "have you done _____" questions give off a "tee hee, sex is so naughty and you're naughty if you like it!" vibe.

For reference, the old version:
1. Is there anyone on your friends list you would ever consider having sex with?
2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
4. Do you masturbate?
5. How often? Lately?
6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money?
7. Do you prefer showers or baths?
8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath?
9. Do you watch/read pornography?
10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
13. Would you choose love or money?
14. Your top three favorite kinks in bed?
15. Has anyone ever gone beyond your personal line of respect sexually?
16. Where is the most romantic place you have had sex?
17. Where is the weirdest place you have had sex?
18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
19. Have you ever been to a strip club?
20. Ever been to a bar just to get sex?
21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?
24. What's your sexuality?
25. Had sex in a movie theater?
26. Had sex in a bathroom?
27. Have you ever had sex at work?
28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
29. Bought something from an adult store?
30. Do you own any sex toys?
31. If yes, how many and what are they?
32. Does anyone have naughty pics of you or are you on film?
33. Have you ever had sex with someone and called them the wrong name?
34. Have you ever had phonesex?
35. Have you ever had cybersex?
36. Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?
37. What's your favorite sexual position?
38. What's your favorite sex act?
39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time?
40. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?

And now, the new version! This is totally a work in progress.
How do you define the act of sex for yourself? Use this definition to answer the following questions.
Are you comfortable talking about sex with casual acquaintances, or only trusted friends? What makes you comfortable enough to talk about your sex life?
1. How would you describe your sexual identity? Has it changed over time? You may find it helpful to refer to the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid.
Have you ever had sex with someone of the same sex? Of a different sex than your own?
2. Sex in the morning, afternoon or night?
3. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
4. Do you masturbate? Why or why not?
~~5. How often? Lately?~~
6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? If yes, why do/don't you like it? If no, why do/don't you want to try it?
~~7. Do you prefer showers or baths?~~
8. Have you ever had sex in the shower or the bath? What worked or didn't?
9. Do you watch/read pornography? If so, do you prefer watching or reading?
What do you like best about pornography? What do you dislike the most?
10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
11. Do you love someone on your friends list?
12. Do you know all the people on your friends list?
13. What are your criteria for a sexual partner?
14. What are three of your favorite sexual acts, positions, kinks, or toys during sex with partners?
Same question, but during sex by yourself?
What is your favorite body part to lavish attention on, on a partner? Why?
What is your favorite body part of your own to have attention lavished upon? Why?
15. How do you establish boundaries of trust/comfort/respect regarding sex?
16. Does location affect how much you enjoy sex? What is your favorite location to have sex?
17. Where is the most unconventional place you have had sex?
18. Have you ever been caught having sex?
19. Have you ever been to a strip club? If yes, why do/don't you like it? If no, why do/don't you want to try it?
20. Do you enjoy sex outside of established relationships? What about it is/is not appealing to you? If yes, where do you find your partners?
21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club for sexual reasons?
22. Ever been picked up in a bar?
~~23. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex?~~ (moved)
~~24. What's your sexuality?~~ (moved)
25. Had sex in a movie theater?
26. Had sex in a bathroom?
~~27. Have you ever had sex at work?~~
28. Have you ever been in an "adult" store?
29. Bought something from an adult store?
30. Do you enjoy sex toys? If yes, what toys do you have?
~~31. If yes, how many and what are they?~~
32. Have you ever been photographed or videotaped in a sexual situation? If yes, why do/don't you like it? If no, why do/don't you want to try it?
33. Do you prefer to fantasize during sex, or do you prefer to focus your attention on what's going on in the moment?
34. Have you ever had phonesex? If yes, why do/don't you like it? If no, why do/don't you want to try it?
35. Have you ever had cybersex? If yes, why do/don't you like it? If no, why do/don't you want to try it?
~~36. Do you think oral sex constitutes as a form of intercourse?~~
37. What's your favorite sexual position?
38. What's your favorite sex act?
39. Have you ever had sex with more than one person at a time? If yes, why do/don't you like it? If no, why do/don't you want to try it?
~~40. Who do you think has the guts to repost this?~~
Share your favorite embarrassing sex story about yourself.
What is something you'd like to try but haven't gotten to yet? A sexual position, a kink, a sex toy? What intrigues you about it?
If you could bend the laws of reality, what currently impossible sex act would you like to try?

Have at it! Let me know what else you'd like to add, delete, and change.

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27	28	29	30	31

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I would like to see number seven taken off the list. I don't think that nudity equals something that is inherently sexual and feel that that is what the question is implying.

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Done. (And if that's why they asked the question, that's a dumb reason.)

[link] [parent] [reply]

I think that the bar questions could be changed to something else more thought provoking and engaging then the yes or no question. Like something that asks whether or not you like casual hook ups and where you go to find them, or something more like that.

Oh, seconding this a lot! Something more like --

"Do you enjoy sex outside of established relationships? What about it is/is not appealing to you? If yes, where do you find your partners?"

Re: lunapome —

sigelphoenix.insanejournal.com

I love that you're doing this!

I think with the new version of #16, a lot of the other "have you done it here? how about here?" questions, like 25 and 26, can probably go.

I'd move things like "What's your sexuality?" (can we phrase that better?) up toward the top, most likely. And probably ditch the "friends list" questions, which seem to be going for titillation and "oooh, is she talking about me?"

I think I'd also add "and why?" to most of the "what's your favorite ___" questions.

A-and I could probably keep going, but I'm at work. Will come back to this!

Me too! I'm having a lot of fun!

Okay, got rid of the location questions. I kept and modified the shower/bath question, because frankly I want to know better ways of doing it!

Yeah, I want the sexuality question (probably with added gender-identification component) to come earlier. And as for phrasing, I want to include the people who are still deciding, but "What is your current sexuality?" skirts too close to "bisexuality is just a phase" thinking.

I like the "and why?" to everything. I was talking to

ratzeo, and I think we need to change the structure of the meme (ooh, far-reaching changes~~) so that each question has sub-questions. Like, after the "Have you?" question is a) "If yes, why did/didn't you like it?" and b) "If no, why do/don't you want to try it?" It'll make the questionnaire pretty long, though.

How about, "How would you describe your sexual identity? Has it changed over time?"

*takes your phrasing again, thank you!*

Is having a question using the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid outside the bounds of a meme, you think?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klein_Sexual_Orientation_Grid

(no subject) —

Can we do something about the bar questions (20,21,22)? I'm not sure that I even know what getting "kicked out of a bar for sexual reasons" even means. I suppose we could replace that stuff with "Where do you think is a good place to meet sexual partners," since that seems to be what the original author thinks bars are for, but... eh. We could leave it open for more interesting questions too.

I took

laylah's phrasing and got rid of the extra questions. See how you like those changes.

Hi there!

laylah pointed me over your way after yet another round of mentioning how the sex question meme's in need of an overhaul.

To me, one of the most glaring things about the original meme is the failure to define what sex means in context of the survey -- and it's a pretty big oversight, because clearly not all respondents view sex as penile-vaginal intercourse. The first set of questions seems to imply that that's what constitutes sex, and that's a huge honking assumption on the original author's part. So I think sex should either be defined -- for the purposes of this meme, anyway; defining sex on a broader scale would be pretty painful! -- or some sort of question needs to be on there about how the respondent defines sex as, or what the respondent considers to "count" as sex.

I have a whole host of issues with fifteen, too; I get that the author's trying to word the question delicately, but the scope of the question is way too broad. I think the question's trying to ask "have you been convinced, persuaded, or otherwise pressured into sexual behavior that violated your personal levels of comfort?" But the wording on that one's far from perfect. I'm not sure how you'd rephrase the question, really, but it needs to be rephrased.

I'd like to propose an addendum to number seventeen, too: "Where is the weirdest place you've had sex in, and how did it affect the experience?" Because "weird"'s another one of those words where the definition's really variable.

Hello!

Yes, good point - what do you think about a question (possibly the first question in the meme) along the lines of, "How do you define the act of sex for yourself? Use this definition to answer the following questions."

Hm, yes, and I think that even if someone is comfortable filling out this meme, they may not want to divulge that information. How about a question like, "How do you establish boundaries of trust/comfort/respect regarding sex?"

Right, I think 17 is intended as a place to share amusing stories about having sex in unexpected places. But, what is considered unexpected? Maybe, "What's your favorite place where you've had sex that people usually don't associate with sex?" But without the awkward phrasing.

I think that makes a really good starting point! And it would allow us to get rid of #36, which I'd be in favor of. ^^

Speaking of questions to get rid of, I think number thirteen deserves to get the axe. It sounds too much like we're using Hollywood movies to define reality.

Also, I approve of that icon.

mahokiwi.insanejournal.com

ratzeo.insanejournal.com

laylah.insanejournal.com

Do you think you could use the word unconventional? What is the most unconventional place you have had sex or would like to have sex? I'm not sure if that really works...

Re: lunapome — (anonymous)

I take issue with 33, because it-- I don't know. It seems to be that if you are HONESTLY ENGAGING with your partner and paying attention, this is not something you would do? I suppose that is an assumption on my part. The question seems to be trying to ask you if you're one of those naughty lying people who either cheats on your partner, or wishes they were someone else.

Maybe something more along the lines of "Are you more likely to fantasize about seomthing while having sex, or are you more in-the-moment" or something. With phrasing that makes sense.

More later, as I come up with more thoughts.

Also possibly for the "favorite kinks" question, just "what are your three favorite things to do?/Your least favorite?"

potentially added on a "is there something you have not gotten to try/what is it/what excites you about it?", which is not already on the test but well. I'd be interested in reading/talking about it ^^;

I should just save these up and make one-comment out of them. Also my icons make this post less work-safe ^^;;;;

12: um, perhaps a re-word to "Are you comfortable talking about sex with casual aquaintances/trusted friends only and why", although I am not sure it's really a...neccessary question, given that you can get an idea from whether or not somebody fills the meme out in the first place. At very least, maybe bump this one up on the list some?

Seconded. And since we're crossing off so many questions, we should see if we can come up with some other good stuff to add!

Maybe a question about impossible things you wish you could try? Not impossible like "Oh tee hee I would never do *that*!" Something closer to actually impossible, like sex in zero gravity or cloning yourself for sexy times. A sex life with an infinite special effects budget!

Hmmm. I am not sure how I feel about the If yes, why do/don't you like it? If no, why do/don't you want to try it?, especially as appended to the majority of the "have you tried...?" questions. I feel like it sort of makes assumptions about how experience and interest line up together that...might not always be true?

Okay, I think I understand what you're saying, but can you explain further? Or is there an alternate phrasing that you think would work better?

(The reason I used this phrasing is that I want to cover four groups of people: those who have done it and liked it, those who have done it and didn't like it, those who haven't done it and want to, and those who haven't done it and don't want to.)

Maybe just changing the nature of the question to "if yes, did you like it and why or why not"?

I'm having a brain moment, but I can sort of see where this is a leading question? Like, "you did X, you either liked it or didn't" and it...I don't know. It. Brain. Failing. I don't even know if this was what L was trying to get at. But that's how I am reading the question.

I'm kinda sad to see the "adult" store questions go. I think it's of no use if you only see it as a "how naughty are you, tee hee" kind of question, but it's interesting when you look at the reasons *why* someone might be able or unable, willing or unwilling to go into that kind of store, or what needs to happen so the experience would be a good one and make you a happy customer. It also ties into questions of shame - shame that I mostly find to be imposed on us from outside, actually. (Not that anyone kept me from just answering that on my own... *shrugs*)

That's a really good point. Someone pointed out another question that could use modification, so I think I'll repost the meme one more/last time.