Romance schmomance : comments.
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![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
What I have a problem with is how were told (& told & told) that a very specific set of signals equals "romance." Full stop. And the reason I'm complaining right now is that I'm bothered by the way in which part of me still believes all that. A small part, but one that's still there and influencing my reactions, to the point where I sometimes want things that don't fit S's personality, or even mine, or border on unhealthy behavior (like buying into the idea that jealousy indicates the depth of one's affection).
Of course, when things like this happen, I can just say to myself or S, "I'm feeling like this, but I know it's imposed externally and that I don't actually want _____" and not act on the feeling. But I want to be able to move beyond that, and get to the point where I don't need to resist the reaction, because I don't get it at all.
A tall order, I know. :P I don't mean that I must reach a goal of never having wrong feelings, ever. I'd just like to make more progress.
(no subject)
Flowers alone don't make romance, the thought and emotion behind giving them does. The "pretty pretty princess" moment is not devoid of emotion, otherwise, it's just a staged event of dancing (in a completely geeky respect that probably doesn't belong here, I'm calling to mind Sae having max ranks in Performance (Dancing), which makes her technically awesome, but her lack of CHAR makes it passionless). It's not the dancing or the flowers that are romantic, is the intention behind them. (Again, assuming they are pure.)
I'm completely baffled by the concept that jealousy is supposed to be a required trope of romance. Maybe that's a trope that has completely bounced off of me. I associate jealousy with badness, not romance.
If someone believes every single person that gives them flowers and is destined to be their eternal love, and that whispering in their ear is most certainly a declaration of true love... then I think they have other, more troublesome problems than societally conditioned norms of what romance is ;) If you just think these things can be sexy? Then what's the problem?
If these things are not romance, than what is romance? I think the hardest thing I'm comprehending is that I'm getting the "this is meaningless," but what are the alternatives?
(no subject)
The emphasis on the diamond engagement ring, for instance - it's troubling because of the violence behind the diamond industry, for one thing. Also, there's the troubling implication that the more expensive and shiny, the "better" it is as a sign of the guy's love. And why should women have such a signal that they're "taken," anyway, when men don't get rings until they're married?
I do know all this. If I got a giant sparkly diamond ring from S, I know he wouldn't be particularly emotionally invested in it, and neither would I. But a part of me would still feel excitement at getting it. Because I've seen it in countless romance stories, or because I know that it will impress people who saw it (not a lot of my friends, who don't buy into that, but family members and coworkers) ... because of various reasons that I don't truly consider important. But I would still have that visceral excited reaction, and that's what I'm bothered by - the fact that I dislike a romantic "tradition," and know the important reasons why I do, and yet still have the involuntary reaction to it.
A better alternative, for me, would be something like ... well, if we're talking about jewelry, I would say rhinestone hair jewelry. It's not "valuable," and not your usual romantic gift (although it is traditionally feminine), but I actually like it and wear it (unlike precious stone jewelry). Or there's the 14K gold d20 necklace S once found online (except I don't wear gold, but you get the idea).
Those are some things that would actually make me happy. Expensive diamonds would cause that involuntary excitement, but nothing lasting - certainly not enough that I actually would want S to shell out for them.
To take the "princess moment" example ... that's something that I would actually like. I like to dress up, and I'm interested in ballroom dancing, and this kind of thing can definitely be problem-less fun. But when I watched that movie and felt so wistful about it that it seemed like something was missing because I didn't have it? Like I lacked extravagant romance, even though S does plenty of romance, just in a non-mainstream way that fits our relationship better? Whoa, that's just crazy talk.
So my reactions feel out of whack - I feel indifferent or antipathetic to a romance trope, yet part of me still wants it; or there's one that I like, but part of me puts way too much importance on it. And, most likely, the reasons behind these odd reactions are the societal messages that push these tropes as the be-all and end-all of romance.
Does that make more sense?