sigelphoenix

Okay, I should be more specific. It's not that I think all of the common tropes of romance are bad, it's that some of them are tied to very constricting ideas of gender and sexuality, and can encourage harmful behavior.

The emphasis on the diamond engagement ring, for instance - it's troubling because of the violence behind the diamond industry, for one thing. Also, there's the troubling implication that the more expensive and shiny, the "better" it is as a sign of the guy's love. And why should women have such a signal that they're "taken," anyway, when men don't get rings until they're married?

I do know all this. If I got a giant sparkly diamond ring from S, I know he wouldn't be particularly emotionally invested in it, and neither would I. But a part of me would still feel excitement at getting it. Because I've seen it in countless romance stories, or because I know that it will impress people who saw it (not a lot of my friends, who don't buy into that, but family members and coworkers) ... because of various reasons that I don't truly consider important. But I would still have that visceral excited reaction, and that's what I'm bothered by - the fact that I dislike a romantic "tradition," and know the important reasons why I do, and yet still have the involuntary reaction to it.

A better alternative, for me, would be something like ... well, if we're talking about jewelry, I would say rhinestone hair jewelry. It's not "valuable," and not your usual romantic gift (although it is traditionally feminine), but I actually like it and wear it (unlike precious stone jewelry). Or there's the 14K gold d20 necklace S once found online (except I don't wear gold, but you get the idea).

Those are some things that would actually make me happy. Expensive diamonds would cause that involuntary excitement, but nothing lasting - certainly not enough that I actually would want S to shell out for them.

To take the "princess moment" example ... that's something that I would actually like. I like to dress up, and I'm interested in ballroom dancing, and this kind of thing can definitely be problem-less fun. But when I watched that movie and felt so wistful about it that it seemed like something was missing because I didn't have it? Like I lacked extravagant romance, even though S does plenty of romance, just in a non-mainstream way that fits our relationship better? Whoa, that's just crazy talk.

So my reactions feel out of whack - I feel indifferent or antipathetic to a romance trope, yet part of me still wants it; or there's one that I like, but part of me puts way too much importance on it. And, most likely, the reasons behind these odd reactions are the societal messages that push these tropes as the be-all and end-all of romance.

Does that make more sense?