sigelphoenix

rivendellrose pointed out the pitfalls of pop journalism, and interestingly enough I just ran across another MSN article that, ah, leaves something to be desired as well. I found it on feminist_rage here, but figured I'd give it my own treatment because I don't completely agree with the comments on that post. (Not surprising; the comm is for ranting, not deep analysis.)

So here we go, ladies: 10 things every single girl must own!



I'll preface this by saying that I understand the article is written with a specific audience in mind -- not just single women, but the single heterosexual women who are actively chasing a Mr. Right and make that pursuit the focus of their time, energy, and money. So I'm not going to criticize MSN for catering to this substantial demographic. I'm going to criticize them for catering to this demographic's unhealthy attitudes, of course.

1. A fabulous photo of yourself

Now, I'm all for this. Women take enough shit about their appearance, and having a good picture of yourself to look at could prevent you from internalizing the constant barrage of "not good enough"s you get from media and society. The problem is that the explanation given in the article is that the picture is for the guys you bring over. Bwuh? As for myself, I've got the funny idea that the purpose of our own beauty, and our own satisfaction in that beauty, is not merely for snagging a date. Woman's worth =/= pleasure derived by male (or female) partner in woman's appearance.

("And never, ever throw it away -- when you're 80-something it'll serve as an instant reminder that back in the day, you were a total dish!" it adds. Because it's not like we could use the reminder of our own fabulousness right now. And of course you couldn't still be a dish when you're 80 -- nah, old people are ugly and sexless.)

2. A pretty pair of heels

*shrug* Not all women (even single women who are looking for a date) dress up with sparkles and heels. I'm not offended by this suggestion -- in fact, the article seems to focus on the confidence and glamour that is accorded by heels, and I think that's a good thing. But why not say that we should all own some piece of clothing that makes us look and feel dressy/special?

3. An Eminem CD

Hoo boy. Let me just quote what the article says:

"[I]f all he sees is a stack of girl bands (say, the Indigo Girls [...]), he's going to panic. Balance out your [music] collection with one CD, any CD, by Eminem and you have no idea how relieved he'll be. It shows you have an open mind and aren't easily offended ..."

What I hate most about this suggestion is that it's another instance of people deceiving each other in order to get a date. Sure, we all like to put our best feet forward by bringing attention to the parts of ourselves that we think others will find attractive. But this? This is making stuff up. Yeah, planting one CD in your music collection isn't a big deal, but it implies that you should fabricate things about your interests or behavior in order to impress someone. How the hell is this a healthy tendency? Why would you want to date, possibly have a relationship with, a person who would panic over 'girly' music, anyway?

Now, I understand the advice to try not to freak out new date (or any acquaintance) by overwhelming them with your 'weird' characteristics. I don't throw out my geekiness or political beliefs or other personal quirks as soon as I meet someone. That isn't me hiding or compromising myself -- I don't pretend I don't have them, but rather, I wait to introduce those aspects until I get to know someone better and see if our interests are compatible. (Also, someone may not share your interests and still be open to them. But shoving photos of your cosplay in their face isn't the way to introduce them.)

My problem with the article's suggestion is that they're not advocating tact, but deceit. Trying to emphasize what you have in common with someone, and waiting before you introduce your quirkier interests or habits, is tact. Pretending you like music you really don't (and Eminem? to make someone think you're "open minded"?) says "I think you have the constitution of a small rodent with hypertension and you'll faint dead away when you see my *gasp* Indigo Girls CD, so I'm going to make a half-hearted attempt at mainstream appearances for the sake of your poor delicate sensibilities."

Geez, it's like if you don't conform perfectly to everyone else you'll scare off any potential mates. I mean, I know that the only way I've ever gotten a date is by pretending I'm not a geek ... oh, wait.

4. A great pickup line... and a way to blow 'em off

"In this post-chivalrous period, we can't always depend on guys to initiate contact ..." A great idea! I wish it didn't sound like such an obligation, though. "Ugh, we poor women aren't expected to be passive recipients in sexual interaction anymore ..." Christ on a pogo stick.

And the writer's suggestion? "... a friend of mine has recently taken to asking well-dressed men, 'Hetero, homo or metro?'" Yeah, because if some guy came up to me when I was in, say, a T-shirt and jeans, and asked, 'Gay, straight, or bi?' he wouldn't get a punch in the face.

5. A six-pack of good bottled beer

Same gripe as I had with the high heel thing. The suggestion is to have a quality drink for entertaining, but ... does it have to be beer? I hate the smell. What about people who don't drink alcohol? And what about men who don't think free beer is in their top ten list of turn-ons?

6. Bathroom reading
7. A business card
8. Earplugs

These are just sort of weird. You can read the explanations, but I still don't think they make much sense as must-have items. Um, thanks for the helpful hints, I guess.

9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial

"Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice (a personal Queer Eye for Your Closet)."

Hey, look! It's one of the most offensive sentences you could have possibly written! Moving on!

"But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source. While your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who's been there, done that."

See, I just don't get this whole mystification of the opposite sex. I mean, sure, there are some typical male behaviors that just don't make sense to me, and I know there are typical female behaviors that bewilder some guys. But, um, things that girls do also confuse me. I hate how people pretend there's this huge mental gulf between the sexes, as well as the essentialist assumption (WARNING: ENGAGING PHILOSOPHICAL JARGON IN THREE ... TWO ...) that "being male makes you think this way" and "being female makes you think this way" and never the twain shall meet. I mean, I don't even have to explain how that leaves out people who don't fit the stereotypes. But for those who do -- why act as if we could never understand each other? It's funny, because I do find studies of gender and gender behavior to be interesting. But the difference between those studies and this kind of assumption is that a female needs a male to decipher another man's behavior for her -- in other words, a woman just can't understand. This encourages people to think things like, "Oh, he just does that because he's a guy," to make up complex rituals and rules for the behavior, without attempting to understand why.

If this were about learning to understand the opposite sex, rather than just getting a friend to act as interpreter, you could just as easily have a female friend who has dated a lot or been in a serious relationship (isn't that someone who's "been there, done that"?). Of course, that assumes that thought processes weren't completely determined by the presence or lack of a Y chromosome.

10. A condom

But wait! Redemption?

Or, sort of. I like this suggestion for two reasons: one, it encourages safer sex. Two, it assumes that women who are sexually active are normal, and not dirty dirty whores.

(Although, what about the single women for whom sex isn't a part of dating, hmm?)