![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
You might remember that New York Times article I linked awhile back, about the usage of "slut." (Unfortunately, the article is no longer available for free; you have to be a paid member.) Here's a choice quote from it:
"'When I think of the word slut,' wrote Don Reisinger, a student doing accounting and law work in Albany, in an e-mail message, 'I think of a woman who has been around the block more times than my dad's Chevy. I might date a slut, but I certainly wouldn't marry one.'"
What is this man saying? Well, let's start with the obvious: he's saying that that a so-called "slut" wouldn't be good enough to marry him, due to her past sexual behavior. However, by saying that he would get married, he's assuming that he would be good enough to marry his future wife - despite his past sexual behavior of having sex with "sluts."
What else is he saying? Well, he's making a very important assumption: despite the fact that he's apparently willing to fuck whatever woman he comes across (sluts are, as he is careful to point out, good enough to date), he rests certain in the assumption that there will be a non-slut woman left who is worthy enough to be his wife. The shame of the "slut" label, after all, should keep enough women scared of having sex that at least one will be left to be crowned the lucky Mrs. Reisinger. He can, and will, continue to have sex with whomever he wants. But he's banking on the fact that there are women who will give in to the fear and shame of slut-baiting and remain virginal until he's ready to marry one.
I bring up this quote, even though it's from an old article - and it's even older than that, because how many times have we heard that sentiment expressed, anyway - because I just realized something.
Yeah, it's stupid and sexist. I got that the first time. But see that assumption I described? The one where this guy assumes that he'll have a ready and waiting virgin wife? That isn't just male privilege, that's confidence in it. Reliance on it. Manipulation of it.
This man believes that he has the right to a virginal spouse - a right that his wife would not have. He believes that he has the right to sex right now, as much as he wants - a right that, again, his future wife does not have. He doesn't have to worry about these rights. He just ... has them. Rights to sex. Rights to women who will have sex with him. Rights to a woman who won't have sex with him, at least until he's ready to marry her - ready to give her the green light and say, "Okay, honey, now you can have sex and I won't think of you as a dirty dirty whore!"
He's relying on a system that allows him sexual freedom, that grants him approval and "masculinity" for it, and which simultaneously weighs shame upon women who would engage in the same behavior. Oh, it isn't as bad as it used to be - we aren't always told that we're sluts if we have sex before marriage - but it's still pretty common for women who have multiple sex partners, who have one-night stands, who talk openly about their sexual activity, or who get pregnant outside of marriage (to say nothing of having an abortion, the worthless tramps). The slut stigma is still bad enough that this guy is certain that this shame will work to keep women in check, ready forusemarriage at his convenience. At the same time, there are potential benefits for women who brave the slut stigma and have sex, because men will pay attention to women who give them sex (even if they're calling them sluts behind their backs).
I wonder what that feels like.
I wonder what it feels like to choose to have sex without worrying whether other people will look down on you for it. Or if they'll joke about being able to wear white on your wedding day (yeah, it's just a joke, but keep in mind that we have no corresponding custom for men). Or if you should talk openly about having sex - because it's "scoring" for guys to have sex on the first date, you see, but women still have to think about whether they should wait until the third date, even if they want it, or if they should lie and say that they didn't, even if they did. Or if you should lie about the number of sex partners you've had (which, on average, means lowering the number for women, while men raise it). Or if you should use birth control, what kind of birth control, will hormonal birth control mess up your body, what will you do if birth control fails, can you afford an abortion, can you safely access abortion, would you be willing to have an abortion? Oh, yeah, and what will people say depending on whether your answer is "yes" or "no" to any of these questions? And as for whether there will be a non-slut for you to marry - hell, that doesn't even enter the picture, because there isn't a guaranteed supply of virginal men for a woman to marry once she's done sowing her wild oats. There just isn't the same cultural shaming system for women as what men get to rely on.
But this Don Reisinger fellow? He's just so calm and sure that the system works in his favor, and everything will fall right into place for him. And the saddest part of all is that this doesn't even surprise me - there are just so many men who feel exactly the same way as him.
But! Lest we forget, women's sexual obligations aren't discharged upon marriage. No, these pure virgins must be transformed into sluts within marriage - see, they've got to provide sex for their husband when he wants it, how he wants it.
It may seem complicated, but it isn't. All we have to do is have sex only when men want us to. It's that simple. /sarcasm
And people wonder why so many women have issues with sex? When we're told "yes you should," then "no you shouldn't," and even something in between, like "act sexy but don't actually have sex." When women who have lots of sex before getting married are sluts, but women who refuse to have lots of sex after getting married are frigid. When the thought of female sexual pleasure is so threatening that there are laws against sex toys. When the "sex" that we're shown in popular culture is either pornography or an imitation thereof, which, at present, is based on a system of male domination and/or exploitation and/or humiliation of women. And let's not even go into the ways in which the treatment and portrayal of women's bodies virtually guarantees that no woman will ever feel that she looks or acts "right."
Yeah, tell me why I shouldn't be weary, or depressed, or pissed as all hell.
Actually, I think that might be an earnest request. Someone, for the love of god, tell me why I shouldn't feel bitter, angry despair when the world's like this. Sometimes I hate this world so much I don't even know what to do. You just keep fighting and hoping, I know. But it's really hard sometimes, and it's so hard not to stay angry.
Edit: Okay, so things like this? Totally make me feel better. I should have realized that, you know, having intelligent discussion and reminding myself that there are awesome people around will make me feel more hopeful.
"'When I think of the word slut,' wrote Don Reisinger, a student doing accounting and law work in Albany, in an e-mail message, 'I think of a woman who has been around the block more times than my dad's Chevy. I might date a slut, but I certainly wouldn't marry one.'"
What is this man saying? Well, let's start with the obvious: he's saying that that a so-called "slut" wouldn't be good enough to marry him, due to her past sexual behavior. However, by saying that he would get married, he's assuming that he would be good enough to marry his future wife - despite his past sexual behavior of having sex with "sluts."
What else is he saying? Well, he's making a very important assumption: despite the fact that he's apparently willing to fuck whatever woman he comes across (sluts are, as he is careful to point out, good enough to date), he rests certain in the assumption that there will be a non-slut woman left who is worthy enough to be his wife. The shame of the "slut" label, after all, should keep enough women scared of having sex that at least one will be left to be crowned the lucky Mrs. Reisinger. He can, and will, continue to have sex with whomever he wants. But he's banking on the fact that there are women who will give in to the fear and shame of slut-baiting and remain virginal until he's ready to marry one.
I bring up this quote, even though it's from an old article - and it's even older than that, because how many times have we heard that sentiment expressed, anyway - because I just realized something.
Yeah, it's stupid and sexist. I got that the first time. But see that assumption I described? The one where this guy assumes that he'll have a ready and waiting virgin wife? That isn't just male privilege, that's confidence in it. Reliance on it. Manipulation of it.
This man believes that he has the right to a virginal spouse - a right that his wife would not have. He believes that he has the right to sex right now, as much as he wants - a right that, again, his future wife does not have. He doesn't have to worry about these rights. He just ... has them. Rights to sex. Rights to women who will have sex with him. Rights to a woman who won't have sex with him, at least until he's ready to marry her - ready to give her the green light and say, "Okay, honey, now you can have sex and I won't think of you as a dirty dirty whore!"
He's relying on a system that allows him sexual freedom, that grants him approval and "masculinity" for it, and which simultaneously weighs shame upon women who would engage in the same behavior. Oh, it isn't as bad as it used to be - we aren't always told that we're sluts if we have sex before marriage - but it's still pretty common for women who have multiple sex partners, who have one-night stands, who talk openly about their sexual activity, or who get pregnant outside of marriage (to say nothing of having an abortion, the worthless tramps). The slut stigma is still bad enough that this guy is certain that this shame will work to keep women in check, ready for
I wonder what that feels like.
I wonder what it feels like to choose to have sex without worrying whether other people will look down on you for it. Or if they'll joke about being able to wear white on your wedding day (yeah, it's just a joke, but keep in mind that we have no corresponding custom for men). Or if you should talk openly about having sex - because it's "scoring" for guys to have sex on the first date, you see, but women still have to think about whether they should wait until the third date, even if they want it, or if they should lie and say that they didn't, even if they did. Or if you should lie about the number of sex partners you've had (which, on average, means lowering the number for women, while men raise it). Or if you should use birth control, what kind of birth control, will hormonal birth control mess up your body, what will you do if birth control fails, can you afford an abortion, can you safely access abortion, would you be willing to have an abortion? Oh, yeah, and what will people say depending on whether your answer is "yes" or "no" to any of these questions? And as for whether there will be a non-slut for you to marry - hell, that doesn't even enter the picture, because there isn't a guaranteed supply of virginal men for a woman to marry once she's done sowing her wild oats. There just isn't the same cultural shaming system for women as what men get to rely on.
But this Don Reisinger fellow? He's just so calm and sure that the system works in his favor, and everything will fall right into place for him. And the saddest part of all is that this doesn't even surprise me - there are just so many men who feel exactly the same way as him.
But! Lest we forget, women's sexual obligations aren't discharged upon marriage. No, these pure virgins must be transformed into sluts within marriage - see, they've got to provide sex for their husband when he wants it, how he wants it.
It may seem complicated, but it isn't. All we have to do is have sex only when men want us to. It's that simple. /sarcasm
And people wonder why so many women have issues with sex? When we're told "yes you should," then "no you shouldn't," and even something in between, like "act sexy but don't actually have sex." When women who have lots of sex before getting married are sluts, but women who refuse to have lots of sex after getting married are frigid. When the thought of female sexual pleasure is so threatening that there are laws against sex toys. When the "sex" that we're shown in popular culture is either pornography or an imitation thereof, which, at present, is based on a system of male domination and/or exploitation and/or humiliation of women. And let's not even go into the ways in which the treatment and portrayal of women's bodies virtually guarantees that no woman will ever feel that she looks or acts "right."
Yeah, tell me why I shouldn't be weary, or depressed, or pissed as all hell.
Actually, I think that might be an earnest request. Someone, for the love of god, tell me why I shouldn't feel bitter, angry despair when the world's like this. Sometimes I hate this world so much I don't even know what to do. You just keep fighting and hoping, I know. But it's really hard sometimes, and it's so hard not to stay angry.
Edit: Okay, so things like this? Totally make me feel better. I should have realized that, you know, having intelligent discussion and reminding myself that there are awesome people around will make me feel more hopeful.