sigelphoenix

This entry is partially a GIP for my new "I'm so emo" icon. *points* I figure if I have something like that for all of my emo-tastic posts, I won't be able to take myself too seriously. XD;;

I'm not actually depressed or anything right now, just ... tired. I have less patience for, and feel worn out more easily by, the two important 'serious' things in my life: school and politics. (The other important, but not 'serious' things, like friends and gaming, remain fun. :D)

For example, I've always felt burdened by large amounts of homework, or been stressed out by big papers. But it just feels like I have less tolerance than I used to. I resent having to do regular homework assignments, and as for the larger projects ... Hell, I'm practically angry at them. :P

I still do it all, of course. I'm too Type A to not do schoolwork, and I have a obsessionmission in regards to my GPA. But I've gotten to the point where I just wish I was done, that I graduated this quarter rather than next.

Bear in mind, I'm one of those people who likes school a lot, and college especially. My classes, as I've said before, are amazing stuff this quarter. The material is worthwhile and even fun - but I don't really think of it as worthwhile and fun, at least not as much as I should be able to.

What I mean by 'politics' is all the anti-oppression stuff - anti-racism, feminism, all that good stuff. Besides my Women Studies classes, the primary way I get news/theory/discussion about these issues is through blogging. But I've been feeling less tolerant in this regard, too - easily angered and discouraged by all the rampant ignorance and privilege I see.

I've always been a little sensitive in general, so it's not surprising that I have low tolerance for privileged stupidity. But normally, it's the really stupid people, the giant wankfests and spewing of vitriol, that get to me. Not the everyday ignorance, the low levels of mean-spiritedness that you always get when you try to talk to people about sexism or racism.

I've started avoiding this kind of ugly, discouraging stuff when I read blogs, which - let's face it - generally means ignoring anti-oppression blogs in general. I've stopped reading the general news blogs that I used to follow, due to frustration as much as a lack of time. Nowadays I limit myself to geekish blogs, maybe Written World and One Diverse Comic Book Nation, which at least have fun comics news to alleviate the privileged asshattery. Even then, I tend to steer clear of the stuff that attracts controversy.

And I haven't written an entry or posted a comment to Shrub.com in ... weeks? months? Which is really sad, seeing as how excited I was to get started there. Again, lack of time is certainly a factor, but so is the way that stupid people love to throw defensive and accusatory comments at the posts. I mean, tekanji just put up a great post on sexism in tabletop games - I should be all over that. But I just don't feel like I can take it right now. I can't face off with the smug stubbornness of the commenter who's just swimming in his own privilege. I think about my last post that got hit with a similar commenter, and the thought makes me shrink away.

That's what I feel like I'm doing, in both this and my schoolwork. Shrinking away. Retreating in fear or discouragement. That's why I'm talking about these two topics together, even though the exact emotions they trigger in me aren't the same. Both of them threaten to overwhelm me, far more easily than they should - than they used to, not very long ago. I used to have more courage or willpower to face the difficulties.

Obviously, I'm hitting burnout. I've been in school for five years now, and as for blogging - well, it's more intense and will wear you out more quickly. Also, as any fellow UW students well know, we're hitting the end of the quarter and finals week.

Luckily, after next week I get a brief respite from classes and work during Spring Break. A short vacation will definitely help. But I wonder if it'll be enough for me to get through one more quarter of classes. And I wonder if it'll make a difference in how I feel about blogging and its attendant politics.

Is there more that I can do? Obviously, in a few months I'll graduate and won't have to worry about school anymore. And maybe after that, when I have more time (and no longer work with C.O.R.E.), I can look into volunteer work so I can do something proactive against oppression. One of my professors, whom I respect a lot, said that we all go through a period of anger and outrage before we move to activism, where we can find some strength and comfort.

But I'd hate to just tolerate my final quarter of undergraduate study. And I also don't feel right just sitting around and waiting for my emotions to get 'fixed' before I have the energy to do any activist work. I feel like there should be something more I can do to give myself a boost, but I just haven't thought of what it is yet.

If anyone's still reading this (and I don't blame you if you gave up on this downer of an entry before this point) and has any insights, I'd love to hear them. I mean, on the one hand, I think I'm asking for a lot - 'how do you make yourself emotionally stronger?' But on the other hand, I can tell that my problems aren't permanent or impossible, so there should be something I can do.

I'm off to do some more pondering. And make a little more progress on my homework.