sigelphoenix

I just got a B.

I've ... I've never gotten a B for a course grade in college. Hell, I don't think I've ever gotten a B on a major assignment.

Okay, so part of me is laughing at myself, right? It's like, Okay, you GIANT NERD, you got a frickin' B. Deal. I mean, I know this isn't a huge issue. I didn't fail or anything. And if someone else told me that they got a 3.5 in a course, I would have said that it was a good grade, and meant it. But I'm just ... Okay, I admit it. I'm one of those people who has trouble accepting anything less than a 4.0 for myself. I've been like this ever since freshman year, when I 4.0ed my first quarter and realized that a perfect GPA was possible - at least, it is if you're obsessive and Type A about schoolwork. Which I, uh, tend to be a little bit.

Hello, my name is Dora, and I'm a compulsive 4.0er ...

And I just ... didn't expect this. This is the first philosophy course I've taken in a while, and the only 400-level one I've taken, so yeah, I was definitely concerned at first. I was rusty and kind of out of my league, since most of my classmates were philosophy majors (I'm only minoring). But after I got a 4.0 and glowing praise on my first paper - which was worth 40% of my course grade, mind you - I relaxed a little. So it wasn't just, "ZOMG I got a less-than-perfect grade oh noes!" It was also a bit of a shock because this means that my second paper (another 40%) must have been ass.

Admittedly, that is possible. This course was co-taught, and the second paper went to a different professor than the first one, and he could just have completely different standards for philosophy papers than the first guy. Also, the second professor's unit of the course was ... well, frankly, it kind of bored me. So it wouldn't be shocking if my paper for that unit was less than inspired.

And that's what should happen, right? If you don't have enthusiasm for the course material, you probably shouldn't be getting a perfect grade. I've gotten a lot of 4.0s in courses where I really fulfilled the letter, rather than the spirit, of the requirements (mostly English lit courses required for my major). And I've always felt that it was almost cheating, to get a perfect grade when I sort of cruised through the course. So it's perfectly justified for my grade in this class to take a hit if I mentally checked out for the last part of the quarter.

I just, uh, didn't think it'd be that big of a hit.

But I've been promising myself that I wouldn't worry so much about grades anymore. I think? I'm pretty sure I have. I mean, it's something I should have done, since, as you can see, I don't have the healthiest attitude toward grades. >_>

It's about the learning, not the number I receive at the end. I know this. I believe this. Um, most of the time. This was just ... well, it was my first time - it's understandable that it would shake me up a bit, right? Um.

I feel like a giant dork.

It was good that this happened. Showed me that the world wouldn't end if I got anything less than an A. This is a lesson I'm taking to heart. Really, I am. But I needed a brief period of time to deal, first.

(But I still want to graduate summa cum laude, if only to prove that I can succeed in the Establishment before I go about criticizing it, so people won't just think I'm bitter over my inadequacy. And right now I'm clinging to the minimum threshold with my fingertips. Yipe.)

Okay, go ahead and laugh at me now.