sigelphoenix

I was one of those people who started blogging back before it was cool - by which I mean, the beginning of 2001 - on Pitas.com. I kept my little blog going for quite a while, even after I moved to GreatestJournal, and then over here to LiveJournal. My last entry, actually, was only about a year ago.

I did a little skimming through my archives due to nostalgia - though not too much, because nostalgia is only so resilient against the horrific embarassment inspired by remembering what you were like in high school. :P I wrote in that sucker nearly every day, often multiple times, about anything I felt like. I wrote about damn near everything - from things like, "I learned this in class," to "I'm reading a cool book," to "I like potatoes." And, of course, the occasional Deep Thought or politically motivated diatribe.

I can tell, from the way I wrote, that I didn't really care who read it, or if anyone did at all. Of course, I was part of informal blog rings with other people, and I often talked to them in my blog (which made more sense than it would now, because most of the people I was talking to at the time were entire states or countries away) - but for the most part, I wrote for me. I treated it as an actual journal, where I recorded the events and thought processes that I, personally, wanted to remember. I really like that I did that. Embarrassment aside, I like the fact that I can go back through my archives and remember what I was thinking and writing at an earlier period of my life - on a specific day, even. What did I used to do on a daily basis? What did I find worth remembering and discussing? It gives me a sense of accomplishment, to see how much I've grown - but also a kind of affection for the "me" of back then, which is not so different from "me" now. In other words, I get a sense of continuity.

My point (if I have one) is that I don't blog that way anymore. I'm conscious of what people will think of what I write. I don't write much personal stuff. I feel as if I must write something that is part of a conversation - something people can or will respond to.

There are a few different reasons for this. Part of it is maturity - I'm embarassed at the stupid crap I used to find it necessary to share. But also - unlike before - most of the people who read my LJ are people whom I know in real life and see regularly, so I feel an awkward sort of shyness due to the lack of digital anonymity. It was especially weird when I had Drama going on in my life, and the people involved were also people who read my Pitas blog.

And then, I think, part of it is due to the setup of LJ, with the comment feature - it forces me to acknowledge that yes, I have an audience, and yes, I am choosing to share this with others, and I can't pretend it's just for me anymore (even though my old blog was a public page on the Internet, and I couldn't really deny that people saw it :P). I feel a weird sort of pressure to only write things that are conducive to responses from others (the aforementioned conversation). Things that have a point.

That's why, looking back, I see that the bulk of my LJ entries are political rants, with a few PSAs and memes thrown in - all things that people can share in or get some use out of. Like I said, I had that in my old blog; but they were also part of a mishmash of personal recollections and gripings. Now ... well, now I think that, since I have that comment feature, I should only write things that (potentially) justify comments. As if anything that's just for my own personal indulgence would be narcissistic. Or something.

But what are blogs for, if not narcissism? I mean, come on, let's be honest.

Anyway, I don't know why I wrote this. (See? Still in the habit of justifying things.) I don't know if I'm trying to go back to my old style of journaling, or if I want to. I certainly like the idea of having a regular record of my goings-on, but I don't have the time for blogging that I used to ... I just wanted to get all that out. And maybe give people some warning. "Pointless self-indulgence blogging ahoy!" or something like that. (Always remember that you have a scroll bar. It'll spare you.)