sigelphoenix

A couple of days ago I started looking into registering for graduation, but the more I looked at it, the more I realized I didn't *want* to graduate. I wanted to stay in school, but I didn't want to go to graduate school, because my English degree doesn't prepare me for any sort of graduate studies that really interest me. So: I've decided to stay for another year and double major in Women Studies.

This is kind of a crazy move for me. I mean, I do everything by the book -- I was uncomfortable about how "unconventional" my previous plan to delay graduate school and go to work was (I know it actually isn't, but it's not what you're "supposed" to do). How wild and rebellious am I feeling to want to actually stay in school for *gasp* five years? :P

But I don't feel that weird about it. Admittedly, I made the decision quickly -- on Tuesday morning, I got the nagging feeling that I wanted to change my current plans, so I looked at a few departments and sent some emails, and by Wednesday afternoon I had made my plan with an advisor. On the other hand, it doesn't feel like I rushed my decision -- it feels more like I finally *realized* what I want to do. Before, I had a half-hearted plan to just work and support myself until I figured out what graduate school I wanted to attend. Now -- well, for the first time, I'm actually excited about what I'll be doing after this school year is over. I mean, *really* excited. I think it's become clear to me what I want to do, at least for the next couple of years.

This happens to me a lot. I'll stress and worry about what I want to do and then finally resign myself to something, and then BAM! It's as if making the decision and freeing myself from the stress allows me to realize what I actually want, but I've been too busy worrying to actually notice. It's like when I start writing a story I don't like very much because it's due for class, and then all of a sudden I'll realize I have a deeply developed character or plot sitting in my brain. Or, like the summer before junior year, when I thought, "Oh well, I'm going to stop looking to be in a relationship because I can't find anyone ..." and then I started seeing that Sean kid and going "hmmm." :P

I have some worries -- like the fact that the scholarships that have given me a free ride for school are going to run out this year. Or the fact that I still don't know what will happen after I graduate. But I have some idea of what I'm going to do, the first thing being applying for scholarships and hoping like hell that I get a well-paying summer job. As for post-graduation plans, well -- graduate studies in WS is always an option, or I could use it to define my focus in literature study in an MA program. Plus, the classes I'll take and the volunteer work I'll do next year could let me network a little and give me some options for work. One of my primary motivations for doing Women Studies is that I want to find out what I can do with my interest in feminism and anti-racism (WS has a concentration in Race, Ethnicity and Gender). That could mean more school, volunteer opportunities, or an actual job with a women's or minority organization. Either way, I'm hoping to come out of next year with a clearer idea of where I want to direct my post-college (dare I say -- adult?) life.

And, okay, part of this is probably fueled by the fact that being able to say English/Women-Studies-double-major-with-minors-in-philosophy-and-Japanese brings glee to my nerdish heart. XD;; But it's a small part, I swear.