Contentment and complacency

[sigelphoenix]

Of all of the goals I've been making for myself for the past few months, the ones that inspire the least amount of enthusiasm in me have been the ones related to activism.

Writing? Drawing? Even working out? I've been pretty eager to do those. But things like working with the Q Center or blogging haven't sounded too fun or inspiring to me. Relatedly, I haven't been as interested in reading political blogs, or the anti-oppression books that accrued on my shelves when I didn't have time to read due to class.

I think I know why I feel this way; at least, I've known for a couple of months now that my tolerance is low and I'm easily worn out/frustrated by the kind of anti-oppression stuff I used to eat up back when I was a student. It's just become harder for me to laugh off stupid ignorance, or square off with entrenched privilege. I used to thrive off of the anger and sarcasm these things stirred up in me - which is not to say I never got tired back then. But nowadays I'm hardly amused or energized, and mostly I just feel the tiredness.

Back when I first noticed this change, I attributed it to my day job draining me mentally. I do think that's part of it, but not all - when my stress level dropped at work due to the new schedule, I didn't get better.

I think I've also been resting after graduating. School is hard, even if you love it; it takes a lot out of you, and for me, ending five years of obsessive study and moving to regular full-time work was a drastic change. I've been reveling in my new (relative) freedom, and taking it easy. And yeah, part of 'taking it easy' means not jumping back into anti-oppression work.

I don't know if this is good or bad. On the one hand, anti-oppression work definitely raises my blood pressure; on the other hand, it stirs up my mind in a good way as well, stimulating my critical thinking. And, of course, it's worthwhile, and something I should do. (Not something everyone should do, mind you - everyone has their own way of making the world a better place, and I no more expect others to engage in my techniques than I expect myself to match everyone else's.) But political blogging and peer education - anti-oppression evangelism, if you will - is what I do. What I'm good at, and what I am/was happy doing. The fact that I'm not doing it right now, and don't see myself picking it up again in the immediate future, is a loss.

And yet ... I'm happy right now. I like spending my time drawing, playing D&D, hanging out with friends, being with ratzeo, playing video games, writing fanfic ... things which are not world-changing, but which are also personally enriching and much better than being a 9-to-5 zombie who just goes home and watches TV every night. I don't feel persistently unhappy for not being more ... socially responsible, if you will.

(I know, I know, it's not one-or-the-other. I can do both fun, frivolous happy stuff, and anti-oppression happy stuff - I did, back when I was a student, though obviously not very much of either.)

What I'm worried about is, if I do allow and embrace the happiness I have right now, without pushing myself to do more, I won't. Because, let's face it, anti-oppression work may make me happy, but it's still hard. I could easily be lazy and not get back to it for a really long time.

So I'm not sure what to do. I could set the goals again anyway, hoping that, even if I'm a bit reluctant to follow them, they'll give me the initial push and I'll regain my enthusiasm. I could also just let myself be as lazy as I want to, hoping that I'll turn back to anti-oppression work naturally.

*sigh* My tentative short-term strategy is just to wait, maybe one or two months, and see how I feel. Stop making goals about anti-oppression stuff. With the pressure off, I might get inspired. If that doesn't work, I'll put the pressure back on and try to kick-start myself with some sort of deadline. I'm hoping this will mean that, by spring, I'll have made some sort of progress in knowing what I want to do.

Comments

[shadawyn.insanejournal.com]

If activism is truly important to you, then you'll get back to it, because you are teaching yourself to put the important things first without being forced from an outside stimuli (like school).

Drawing, playing D&D, writing fic--these are not worldchanging things, but they are things that you make yourself do because you are satisfied at the end of the day when you do it. Activism, while in a different category than these, ultimately fulfills the same function. You do it, because you get something out of it (that is, the knowledge you are being socially responsible, which is important to you).

So. Drawing, playing D&D, and writing fic are teaching you to put the important, stimulating, and fulfilling things at the forefront of your life, even if it is hard to do (as opposed to passively vegging in front of the TV or whatever). Don't think about what they are so much, but what they do. As such, when you feel you've mastered these things, perhaps then you will be more comfortable also taking on activism again, to me, is something that is much more difficult.

Also. *puts on old geezer hat* You've recently left schooling, which has been your life since you were a small child on one level or another. (Even if university is a different kind of schooling.) It's going to take time to get your footing and figure out who non-school Dora is going to be and what she's going to do with her life.

(It's taken me a few years, but I'm a slow learner.)

[shadawyn.insanejournal.com]

To clarify that last parenthetical, It's taken me some time to come to this realization--I'm still figuring out who I'm going to be to a large extent, and also that identity still changes. Who I want to be at 30 isn't necessarily who I want to be at 40, because we are always changing... or should be.

[sigelphoenix.insanejournal.com]

Agreed. I'm happy with changing, as long as I'm changing in a good way and not stagnating.

[sigelphoenix.insanejournal.com]

Yeah, a lot of this does have to do with the fact that I have to discipline myself, rather than having the obligation/support I got in school. And I agree that my current hobbies are helping me achieve that. So I could see myself naturally transitioning back to activism.

I *am* a little worried that it's taken so long for me to be productive at all (I didn't start making and fulfilling artistic goals until October or so). It's been almost seven months since I graduated - where's the line between 'needed vacation' and 'permanent atrophy'? Which is why I want to set the semi-deadline of picking something by spring.

[mahokiwi.insanejournal.com]

One of the things I've found...least helpful? In any goal-fufilling sort of way, is trying to do it because I feel I should, irregardless of how much I like the activity.

Whether it's drawing or cleaning or homework or on some very contrary days eating breakfast -- if I sit here going "I really ought to be drawing, I'm going to get out of practice. You like drawing, come on. I need to draw something..." I will only continue to sit here, going "any second now, I really should," and work myself up until I am one big stressed out ball of neurosis, and drawing is the last thing I want to do.

Whereas now, well...I'm not drawing now either, but I am at least...receptive to the idea of drawing? Should I feel like I want to, I don't feel like I'm obligated to it, because I've told myself it's okay that I'm not, too.

[sigelphoenix.insanejournal.com]

Yeah, I see what you're saying. Though I do find that I need *some* sort of self-disciplining coercion, because otherwise ... I'm like a liquid substance, taking the shape of whatever container I'm in, and if I don't contain myself with some sort of self-imposed rules, I will easily go *splut*.

So I need to find that fine line between firm encouragement and stifling obligation.

[shadawyn.insanejournal.com]

I recently had a discussion with someone on my journal about to-do lists, because he was appalled that I gave myself to-do lists for the fun stuff (especially on weekends) as well as the un-fun stuff.

As we talked, we finally put together a concise way to describe the way I use to-do lists/goals (and, I think to an extent that you do as well):

A to-do list is not a whip but a brake. That is, a visible to-do list tells me to stop vegging in front of the TV or thinking I should be writing when I'm not and stressing about it, and go and do it.

But, for other people (like my friend), it's a whip, and we skirt the danger of doing the same thing and should stay wary.

*taskmasters unite!*

[sigelphoenix.insanejournal.com]

I like that metaphor. I need something to stop from coasting along lazily through inertia. (It's also, in a weird mixed-metaphor way, like the container I need for my liquid self. ^^;)